NYE 2011

And I'm pretty sure we are just going to sit around the hose, be in bed by ten or something. Blah!! Maybe something will shake out,  who knows?

@ an AA meethng. Havent been to many lately. Not really feeling them these days.

I hate the effin' holidays

I was happier when they were the "holidaze". I'm just saying. I HATE the holidays. Just more to remind me what a complete and utter failure I have become. Ironically, it's the one thing I'm good at, apparently. So, I hope all of you have a great New Years. For me, it's just another year that my life got worse. Gee, can't wait to see what 2011's got in store for me!!

Merry Christmas, revisited

I was just interacting with one of Ashley and Adam's cousins, who has always been family to me, regardless of whether Maria is or not. It hurts a LOT to ask Alis if she saw the pictures of my kids shooting pistols with my stepfather. I am not, at this point in my life, a father at all. I just hope I have it in me to do something about it. My life is in poor damn shape right now, and I can't do a thing about a lot of the problems. I guess I'd better started with the things I do have some modicum of control over....

Merry Christmas

Christmas. Thank God it's almost over! I know I should embrace the holiday spirit, but it's hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the things I do have, but it's tempered by the desire to spend it with my children. Anyways, another year bites the dust. It's this time of year when one's thoughts drift back to the accomplishments of the past 12 months. Unfortunately, I can't really think of too many.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

My .life sucks so badly. My kids? They're in Florida. And I don't have a single say in it. The more I try to do the right thing, the worse my life sucks. I just don't get it. Some people have everything handed to them, don't have to pay rent, have nice cars, just sit back and chill. At least someone gets to see my kids this Christmas. I wish there was no holidays. Every day, I am reminded of what a total waste my life is. Every day, everyone else but me gets to see my kids. I don't even know why I bother. I'm about ready to quit.

I hate the effin holidays

Period. Hate them. Why, you ask? One reason. My kids, or lack thereof. I am being denied my children STILL.    I have done everything the courts wanted, but apparently that's not good enough for Maria, so I still can't see my kids. And for this, I will never forgive you. And trust and believe, I won't forget, either. Merry freakin' Christmas.

Day two

So, day 2, and I'm still sober! I'm thinking of making it an interactive game, a "you guess the date" kind of format. Just kidding, Mom. I have decided to stay out of the bars and not drink. I am, however, going to commit an act of the addicts version of civil disobedience. I am going on Wednesday to get my medicinal marijuana card. Before the overwhelming din from the peanut gallery, let me state my case. I currently take 40-60 milligrams of hydrocodone daily, along with 40 milligrams of flexiril, in order keep my pain at manageable levels. I could avoid highly addictive opiates altogether by using the naturally occuring THC in marijuana. The THC also alleviates my pain more effectively than opiates. So, I'll keep you posted. Also, it's interesting to hear other addicts' views on the Compassionate Care Act. Okay, ponder that for a minute or two....

Patience is a virtue, or so they tell me

I'm not a patient man, as a general rule. I have, however, been working on this lately. I just want this workers comp case over with, so I can start looking for a job in the Inspection field. However, it's going to be a while before that happens. I have to be released by the surgeon, who is going to rate my disability rating, then the comp carrier is going to want me to participate in a federal vocational rehabilitation program, in order to minimize their financial burden during the settlement phase. All these things take time, it'll probably be another year before we take it to the ring and battle it out with the insurance carrier about the sum we'll settle with. I think one of my main problems is that I get so easily bored. A man can only walk on the beach for so long, before it starts to feel like an obligation instead of the pleasure that it should be! But, I've been working on it a lot lately, and it's funny, but I can almost feel myself becoming calmer, and taking the program a little more serious than before. It's strange to think about, me as a sober, responsible adult!!

Slacker

Once again, I've slacked off on my posting. I hardly ever post very much, but I wanted to try and do it every day. Had a good day today. Greeted at church. Going to an AA meeting now. I haven't been going to very many, I don't get that much out of this particular meeting. Some of the people there aggravate me. But, I'm going anyways.

Who, me, responsible?

I have been under court ordered supervised visitation with my kids for over a year now, and haven't seen them once. This is, without a doubt, 100 % my fault. Through the bad decisions I have made, and the situations that have arose through them, like my being arrested and on felony probation, and having to complete drug court, I am now unable to see my kids unsupervised. This hurt me deeply, but most of all it hurt my pride. I just couldn't understand how I could go from having the kids all the time, taking them everywhere, school, doctors, everywhere, to not seeing them at all. Now, I don't have the money to pay for supervised visitation. And when Maria hit me with it, via the Judge, I was devastated. My deep embarrassment at the situation has kept me from seeing the kids, or even talking to the regularly. I understand why Maria wanted it, and why the Judge granted it, but that was then, and this is now. I have graduated from drug court, I'm 100 percent sober now, and pose no threat to the children. I just want to see them, and don't really know how to go about it. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a huge procrastinator!! I don't know where all this is headed, I just needed to get it off my chest. I need my kids. :(

Amazon.com Help: Amazon Wish List Extension for Google Chrome

Amazon.com Help: Amazon Wish List Extension for Google Chrome

I think this is a great idea! The only problem is, I'll have an enormous wish list!

Amazon.com Help: Amazon Wish List Extension for Google Chrome

Amazon.com Help: Amazon Wish List Extension for Google Chrome

I think this is a great idea! The only problem is, I'll have an enormous wish list!

Amazon.com Help: Amazon Wish List Extension for Google Chrome

Amazon.com Help: Amazon Wish List Extension for Google Chrome

I think this is a great idea! The only problem is, I'll have an enormous wish list!

3:38 am

Yep. It's 3:38, and I'm awake. And don't worry Mom, it's not because I just got home or anything! My back hurts and I can't sleep. I'm bored. So what do I do? Get on the computer! You know, it's amazing. I get on here, and almost immediately, I'm tired! So, I guess it worked. Goodnight!

Getting back to the basics

Since I started this blog to put down my feelings about sobriety, or lack thereof, let's get back to it! I have been thinking and thinking about graduating from Drug Court. I have been going back and forth about whether to go back to drinking at least. I don't think I'll really know, or be able to decide how I feel about it, until I graduate from the program (which, by the way, is next Tuesday!!) and don't have a sentence hanging over my head. So, stay tuned, it could get interesting.....

Turns out I was wrong about the bus. It still sucks.

You know, when I swallow my pride, taking the bus isnt that bad. It stops right in front of the pad every 15 minutes.

It's just a game of chance....

26 OCT 2009 Staff SGT David Metzger was killed in action around Helmand Province, Afghanistan. 31 OCT 2009 SGT Cesar Ruiz was killed in action in Helmand Province. It was a bad week for the good guys. As I look back now, I wonder why those guys are gone, and I'm still here. I worked in Khowst, which is close to Helmand, and a hotbed of insurgency. I was in a helo that almost hit the ground one night. I was in a helo that lost a main rotor bearing and had to land in no man's land for about six hours until we were picked up. I drank lots and lots of alcohol, and did so many crazy things in the time I was in Afghanistan, yet here I am, alive and kicking. It never ceases to amaze me who God chooses to take and who he chooses to leave here. Makes me think I should stop effin' my life away and actually do something for a change.....

Trying really hard to do my homework

But it's kind of difficult. Right now, I feel like there's nobody on my side. I have a wife that's scheming behind my back, talking about leaving. She won't do it for a while, though, because I pay all the rent. What little money she makes gets spent on her daughter. Which is all well and good, if you can pay your bills first. I don't do a damn thing for my kids, because I have to pay the bills. I really, really want to be by myself. At least then, I know who's with me and who's against me. Cause right now, it's me against the world. Funny thing, how people go around behind your back, telling the whole world what a bad person you are, but are still happy to let you buy groceries, pay rent, pay electricity, you know. I am so fucking tired of it. And the funny thing is, I let myself get put into a situation, where I can't tell her to leave, cause then she calls the cops, makes up some lies, and I go to jail. It's a fucking lose, lose situation, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

bitch, bitch bitch

I know that's what it sounds like I'm always doing. And truth be known, I am. But I gotta say it sometime, somewhere. My ratty ass tiny apartment that I pay for all by myself has been turned into an eight year old egomaniacs personal toy box. That's no overstating the facts, either. The kid does what she wants, when she wants, suffers no consequences for anything. I have family, younger than me, that live rent free on a piece of land that probably already belongs to him, if it wasn't for having to pay property taxes, doesn't have to work, gets nice cars, brags to me, to ME about him being a property owner. Owns all his shit, outright. Bought and paid for. Yeah, just not by him. I can't even begin to put down on here everything I feel, I am so effing angry right now. Life just keeps getting worse for me, better for everyone around me. Lucky them.

Rainy day in San Diego

Doesn't happen very often! But, it matches by attitude this morning. I'm not happy. J has been getting ready for her daughter's birthday party today. And that's great, but it's a constant reminder that I don't get to do the same for my children. That's selfish,I know, but that's how it is. I'm tired of never being happy. I'm very upset about how things are turning out. Nothing ever turns out in my favor. Never. I'm ready to leave, but can't. Why? Oh, because I'm still on probation. Just me. I have 41 more weeks of it. Hopefully, I can turn this into something positive, and be ready to do something with my life by the time I'm off probation. We'll see.....

flashback 1994

Man, the local news station has had a local musician playing all morning between the news. Steve Poltz, a local legend on the San Diego music scene. He was the frontman for a band called The Rugburns in the '90's. Makes me very nostalgic for about 1994 or so....

Riding the bus again today. A 20 minute round trip turns into a 4 hour ordeal. I guess I'm learning patience, huh?

On my way to my next to the last court date...one more month!

29 days, and counting

Until I finish Drug Court. Man, it's been a long time coming! I am, unfortunately, in no better of a position today than I was two years ago. In fact, I'm in arguably the worst shape of my life. Financially, I am barely scraping by on a paltry disability check, and I have a bitter ex-wife who refuses to let me see my kids, my truck is wrecked, my drivers license is suspended due to seizures that started right before my 40th birthday, I could increase the list ad infinitum. But I won't. I'm just saying, life was a lot better before drug court "saved me". I'm just saying.

bills, bills, bills!!

You know, I make just enough on disability to pay the rent, power, and cable bill, with very little left for food or anything else. I will be so glad when I can go back to work!!

I may be going about it the wrong way...

...but it's the only way I know how. I sure hope I can keep my bills paid.

Time to walk the dog!

You know, as I read other blogs that I follow, I realize more and more that I need to quit bitching about my life so much! I'm alive, My rent is paid, the lights are on, I'm not going to go hungry, (today at least!), and as soon as I walk my dog on the beach, we're going to church!! Life isn't great, but it's ok.

Watching a NatGeo Drugs Inc. special called Drugs Inc. about meth. Brings back bad memories about my last year at home. If only I can remember that...

Living in the past

Won't do me any good. I was looking at a friends pictures on FB and thinking, if I had stayed in the military, I could be retired. If I hadn't spent 40,000.00 a month, I'd still have plenty of money. If I hadn't worked a hundred hours a week, doing the hardest work imaginable, my back might still have some miles left on it. But then, I think, you know what, none of that happened, or did happen, whichever the case may be, and I just gotta get over it. If I can just learn to get past the past, it might not be too late for me to do at least some of the stuff I shoulda done in this life....

trying to get my head right

Okay, I walked with Jessi and Zoe halfway to school, then walked home through the estuary with Brindy. I walked very slowly, and made a concerted effort to talk to God, then listen to my surroundings. The wind was blowing, leaves rustling in the trees, cottontails were running out of the bushes. I tried to get serene to start my day. We will see how it works out!!

Bed time

It's still early, but we live in such a small place, it's good to turn the lights out so the rug rat can sleep. And I was up for HOURS last night, from 12:00 to about 1:00, then from 1:40 to about 5ish or so. Sleep good, insomnia bad! So, that is all for this day.

Life is exasperating.

At times, I almost feel like it's too much. Now, I don't mean I'm gonna end it all, or go postal or anything like that, I just don't know why it has to be sooooooooo freaking hard to do anything in my life. I need to make a living, support my family, pay my child support, rent, insurance, Slurpees, you know. But no, I'm still on disability. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that at least I have that, that the $200,000.00 surgery I just had was paid for, but I don't know. I just see everyone around me getting ahead, and here I am at 40, with less than ever. I just gotta keep in mind that a lot of this is the consequences of the way I've lived my life in the past. That doesn't mean I gotta like it!

I'm going to bed now,

I'm just super bored and antsy. I need to go to sleep. I wonder if I'm going to be able to. All they need to do is put me back on some Xanax or Valium again!  That would really sweet. Maybe I'll ask at my next appt. My thoughts race around and around and around.....

To read or not to read? That is the question.

I could be reading some of the discussions for my class. I'm not really sure about how to use the website, and it's kinda worrisome. I'm supposed to participate in four discussions a week, and I'm not familiar with the program they're using at all. There's threaded discussions, and I have used ones similar to these, a long time ago on a BBS or bulletin board system, but not just like these. I will figure it out, settle down, and get my groove back....

@ the NA meeting @ the IB pier. Its late, but this is an important mtg. Its important to know it will always be here if needed. I try to support it when I can.

Bad mood, redux

You know, being in a bad mood most of the time, because of my current situation is probably indicative of a need to rectify said situation, posthaste. Coming soon, I promise. Just as soon as the current cash flow situation is resolved. Until then, deep breaths, and remember that I did this to myself. Solo por hoy, eh?

Bad mood

Yes, I am in a bad mood. We went to Zoe's elementary school for family movie night. Jessi, Zoe and I. And the whole time I'm thinking about how great it would be to have my kids, as well. I think thatI am going to let this drivve me crazy constantly dwelling on it.

There are idiots all around me. And Im the biggestw one.

Characteristics of concrete, as defined in Section 12.02 of Building Construction Illustrated, 4th ed.

AAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!! OK, I'm freaking out about my first discussion being due tonight for my online class. I always do this, even when it's something I know that I know. Settle down, Dykes. Get your head on straight, and write the damn thing!

Man, being a grown up is a BUMMER!!

So, yesterday I had to make my way to the VA hospital in La Jolla for an MRI with contrast, which means that I got a lot of dye injected into my arm, which circulated around and made it's way to my brain, which they took pictures of. Today, I have to call the SDSU College of Extended Studies and find out if I'm enrolled for the final class in my certificate program, which incidentally starts today. Then, I have to call my VA primary care doctor, because the bloodwork for the MRI showed that my kidney function is dangerously low. Then, I have to call my neurosurgeon's office, and inform them that if they aren't going to fill a prescription by Friday, then I deserve the common courtesy of a phone call informing me of that fact, why it wasn't refilled, and when it will be. THEN I need to call Medi-Cal and discuss my primary care provider choice (my Medi-Cal primary care provider, not my VA one). THEN I have to call all the doctor offices, hospitals, ambulance services, radiologists, pharmacies, you get the picture, that I owe for these hospital visits, and let them know about my Medi-Cal coverage. Then I have to discuss with a neurologist the causation of my seizures. If we determine that the surgery caused them, I have to contact my attorney and discuss that fact with him. Man, I just want to get on my skateboard and ride!!

Wrecked Chevy, kegger at a birthday party, feeling out of place...

Well, I was gonna insert some pics of my wrecked truck, but I couldn't find them. On to the real post. Went to a kids b-day party yesterday with Jessi. A mexican party. For those of you who don't know, let me tell you what that means. There's a keg of Pacifico beer involved, loud music, lots of food, all day and most of the night party. With a jump around. This was the first event I have been to since I quit drinking. And it didn't work for me, on a couple of levels. I knew no one at this party. Now, back in my drinking days, that's not a problem. Cause we all have something in common, that keg of beer. So, I felt out of place. And then there's that cold, cold keg. I do not like being around drinkers, drinking. Made me feel like I was missing out on the fun. Now, I know the drill, play the whole tape through, all the way to the end, with me in jail. Doesn't mean I don't still want a beer. Cause, damnit, I do.

Thank you.

Sept 11, 2010. Today, I want to thank SGT David Metzger, U.S. Army Green Beret, and SGT Cesar Ruiz, USMC, both killed in action in Afghanistan. I want to thank Joel Hunter, who just returned to Afghanistan to support the troops in direct action. I want to thank all the other thousands of men and women who have given their lives in foreign lands, and the ones who had their lives taken from them here in America. I only regret that I can no longer take up arms to defend my country again. I may not be able to fight anymore, but you can damn well believe that I will remember to the day I die the reason I fought while I could.

Damn, a good phlebotomist makes all the difference in the world! Now, if only the neurologist is as good...

Damn, you want to talk about humbling, take public transit. Lord, please take these seizures away so I can drive!

No driving for Pauly!

So, since I have begun having seizures, the DMV has suspended my license. I forwarded the info to my SSDI attorney, in hopes that this new twist will get my case heard before next year!! We'll see...

Hello, epilepsy!!

Well,  I went to the neurologist today. She merrily informed me that she is duty-bound to report my recent seizures to the California DMV, who will immediately suspend my driving privileges in the Great State of California for a period of not less than six months. Great. She also ordered more tests. Now, let's compound my problems, shall we? We have been receiving MediCal medical coverage, which was great. However, last month for some reason, they discontinued our coverage, so now I'm incurring medical debt at an amazing rate. Top it all off with anti-seizure medicine that makes me dizzy any time I stand up or sit down, and I just have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. Jessi, God bless her, has been doing her best to take care of me, but it's fast becoming a full time job....God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Birthday to me!

Yep. I'm 40. I honestly believed that I would not make it this far. Well, joke's on me, cause guess what? It's here!! I have been a little down, our insurance will not cover the damage to my truck, so we are without wheels right now, which is okay, since the DMV took my license! So for now, I'll take the bus, beg for rides, and be happy that I'm alive!!

Hey, Congrats, Paris Hilton!!

Gee, I wonder if she'll get Drug Court for her latest cocaine possession?

Monday, following a not so good weekend.

Okay, so My life is getting slowly more hectic as the days slip away. What do I mean? Well, while chilling at the Farmer's Market, trying to order a nice strawberry lemonade on Friday, I had a seizure, fell flat on my back, busted up my head, incurred yet even more medical debt, and now, my driver's license is getting taken away until we determine what has happened to my poor cabeza. So, I'm not in a bad mood, as much as a cautiously optimistic mood. Stay tuned for more....

Try as I may, it's hard to be positive

My life is just getting worse. And I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm really trying to be positive.  My poor truck is wrecked, and of course, I do not have full coverage insurance. The paltry amount I get for disability right now doesn't allow me to have full coverage. Or pay all of the bills, for that matter. I am happy that no one was hurt, esp. me, with my recent spine surgery, getting in an accident whereby I rear end a parked car, and the airbags deploy, snapping my fragile neck around. But, I'm pretty desperate to get her fixed, and I just can't afford it. So, now I'm screwed, potentially in a large way. My doctor is a 60 mile round trip away, and I'm sure he's going to want me to start physical therapy very soon. But, all I can do is give it to God, and I'm really really trying. So far, it's not working too well. Hopefully I'll increase my faith soon!

Just when ya think things can't get any worse

They do!! So I went to check my PO Box last night. On the way home, I must have been daydreaming, because I rear ended a PARKED car. How, you ask? I honestly don't have any excuse for it. My mind wanders from time to time. Not the hallmark trait of a good driver. So now, we are without a vehicle, and me with appointments in La Jolla, Chula Vista, all over. I just don't know what in the hell I'm going to do now. I've just got whatever the state requires, but I'm sure it won't pay for damages to my vehicle. But you know what? I didn't have to go out and drink over it, and I was sober when it happened. For the first time in my life, I got into an accident, the cops came, and I didn't leave in handcuffs. I'm trying to stay positive about it, and apply the steps to this situation. But it's hard as hell!!

I don't do so well with all this time on my hands

I HATE HATE HATE not working. I mean, it's cool, sitting around , watching the Price Is Right, always listening to my friends bitching about my great tan, you know. However, having said that, I get easily bored. And I don't have enough money to alleviate my boredom...so I'm going to the beach. See ya later.

Blah! Revisited...

Man, I'm so ready to get the heck out of the house and do something. Everyone else I know who has had this surgery didn't have all these problems. Of course, I did have multilevel surgery, and I do have more diseased discs, but I' getting impatient....Lord, give me some patience, PLEASE!!

Maybe surgery wasn't such a good idea....

So I had a horrible night last night. didn't sleep a wink. My left shoulder hurts, and although the pain radiating down my left arm has went away, my fingers are still numb, but it's a different kind of numb. Not to mention my neck is now still killing me. I realize it has only been a week, but I sure hope this gets better....

Day 4

After the surgery, and my shoulder still hurts. I was feeling no pain for the past few days, until I realized I was taking too much Percocet. Upon scaling back to the recommended dosage, I am displeased to find that none of my symptoms has evaporated. Give it time, the learned surgeon says. Doesn't he realize that I don't like to wait? Doesn't he know who I think I am? Suffice it to say that I am fast learning that I am human, after all. After all these years of thinking I was invincible, a harsh slap in the face. Ah well, I live and I learn, I suppose.....

Dog Days of Summer

That's the name of our church's little doggie playdate group. We're going to meet a bunch of other dog owners from our church at a dog park this morning, ought to be really fun. Then, Tauna's AA birthday party, then our bonfire meeting's annual picnic, busy, busy day. All recovery or church related. Then tomorrow, I'm getting baptised again, our church is having a party down here at the beach, with beach baptisms. Just wanna hedge my bets before this surgery on Monday! Not really, but the timing was very convenient for me! So, it's going to be a full weekend, which is good. I need something to take my mind off surgery!

Pre-Op

We went out to Scripps La Jolla Hospital today, and I did my pre-op stuff, which consisted of an EKG, some bloodwork and plenty of paperwork. They are very, very impressive out there. I guess they should be, since it's in La Jolla. It made me feel a little better about the procedure, but I'm still very nervous. But, there's nothing to do but get on with it. It's bedtime now, and I need to get Zoe to bed. I'm taking her to summer camp tomorrow since Jess is busy first thing in the morning. It still bothers me that I can take a seven year old to camp, but can't see my own kids. But hopefully all that's changing very, very soon. I've been working on some things with my child custody lawyer, and it's almost time to go back to court. I'm hoping with the new judge on the case, and my drastic lifestyle changes, things will go a little better this time around. I have been praying ceaselessly about it, and have my church on it as well. We'll see.

I wonder if anyone reads this

I would like to think that I don't care, that I do it for me. And I do, but my pride wants me to have lots of followers. I'm working on it, but it's slow going. I want to be a good Christian, and am beginning to surround myself with like-minded men. I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I'm never going to be able to enjoy a Bud Light again. It's very, very difficult for me. You wouldn't think that it would be. If I was to document say ten percent of my escapades, you would think me a great writer of fiction. But trust and believe, it's all Gospel truth. And once again, my ego rears it's ugly head. I shouldn't want to brag about my misadventures. I have hurt a great many people, and done much that I'm not proud of. I have also done much good, and done things that 99 percent of the general population will never dream of doing, if even they had the opportunity. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I am going in for some pre-op tomorrow, and I am terrified. Mortified. Scared as hell. I put on a nonchalant front, but this is new territory for me, and I have an irrational fear of the unknown. I am trying to bolster myself. It would be so much easier to do this at home. Jessi is supporting me, and is there for me, but there's nothing like having your family around you in stressful times. I am even going so far as to get baptized the day before my surgery. I like to tell people I'm hedging my bets, just in case. It's not true, of course. The timing just happened to work out that way. I suppose I should see it as further evidence of God at work in my life....never hurts to have a little celestial insurance, either way! And now, I'm going to go list out ways that my life has became unmanageable, and how my drinking has affected my life. Step work, it's called in the program. So, here goes.....

Mom, you were right

About some stuff, anyways! Hehehehe. Like running out of titles for posts. I have sooooo much to blog, and for a long time was hesitant to come clean, because of certain people who might or might not read it. So, in the interest of my new lifestyle, I am going to be brutally honest from here on out. I am getting dangerously close to graduating from Drug Court. The entire time I've been down for this crime, I've been faking recovery, all the while planning to go back to doing what I do the day I'm off probation. I've been a dope fiend for more than half my life. I'm good at it. I like it. You'll never understand the insidious, sensuous appeal of getting high whenever I want. The prestige, if you will, of being a drug dealer. A vitally successful dealer. It's impossible to explain to an outsider. Money, women, unlimited drugs, popularity, a round the clock party lifestyle. I've often bragged that my life would kill three of the average men. And that's true. However, what that doesn't say is that I have hurt so many people, all of the people who love me, and, sorry Mom, but most importantly my kids. So, having said all of the above, I'm finally trying to do the right thing. I want, no, need, to make things right with everyone I've hurt, and that's a long and illustrious list. So, let's just say, welcome to the New Paul. Stay tuned, folks. It's just starting to get interesting........

Homesick

Sometimes, I miss home worse than other times. I miss all the people and places where I grew up. I remember going to the clay pits 4-wheeling!! You know what I mean?

Life is frustrating

A lot of the time for me. We moved to an even smaller apartment, we have no money, my disability check covers the rent, and that's about it. So what did Jess get? A cat. Just what we needed. Now, Brindy barks at the cat, and of course it's her fault, she's a bad dog, etc. The cat has sh*t on our bed twice since arriving last night. But, it makes J happy, and that's what's important. I wish I had her life. Gets her kid half the time, works about 4 days a month, just living the dream. Oh well, that's enough bitterness out of me. Now I have to go do a tenth step for this f*cking post. I just LOVE my life.

Start the day off right.....

By walking  your dog on the beach!! That's what  I do these days. How about you?

Another day down

Yet another day that I did not  accomplish a dang thing. I am sooooooo sick of being broke-down. My lower back has been hurting lately, a lot more than my c-spine, which is what I'm having surgery on this month. I sure hope I don't have to have another surgery on my lumbar spine, but it's pretty bad right now. My biggest fear is not being able to go back to doing all the things I used to do. Right now, skateboarding, surfing, bicycling, walking the dog a long ways, hiking, etc. are out of the question. So, I just lay around the house and sleep all day. Blah!! But, I guess I'm grateful for the fact that I have more than adequate insurance, and don't pay one cent for any of this medical care, which has ran into the hundreds of thousands of dollars! Many people have been bankrupted by medical expenses, and I take them for granted most of the time. So, when I lay down here in a few minutes, I'll be sure to thank God for the things I do have, and not dwell on the stuff I don't.

Nervous, revisited

Yes, I'm not too macho to admit that going under the knife scares the hell out of me. I would rather go into combat, drop into a smoking, blazing hot LZ than lay down on a table and let a 55 year old man slice open my neck and pull out some discs from my spine, then screw some titanium to my spine and zap it with electricity for 4 hours a day to stimulate bone regrowth. WooHoo!! I pray every day, but more so these days....

Damn it, just when I want 2 quit this sh*t, something happens 2 make me cry and realize I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Abbey.

Moving sucks

Even if you're just moving from one apartment to another in the same building! It wouldn't suck so bad, but I really can't do too much right now, and it pisses me off.  Oh well, I guess I get a chance to practice some serenity, and realize that, once again, there are certain things I'm powerless over. Like not being able to help Jess move our stuff down to the new apartment because of my stupid spine. I'm not used to being such a sissy, it's not cool.

We are talking about being in spiritual kindergarteners in my AA meeting. I am still in pre K. But luckily for me, schools still in session.

Blah!

I feel terrible today. I guess I'm going to have to get used to my back constantly hurting. Hopefully, surgery will alleviate that. I had a horrible Father's Day. My children's mom doesn't allow me to see the children. I know that I played the deciding role in that, but still, I am absolutely no danger to the kids ( who, by the way, won't be kids much longer! Ashley turns 18 in 2 weeks, Adam turns 14 tomorrow!) but she still insists on playing these games. But, I'm broke, on disability, and really have no way to force her hand on this issue. So, for now, I'll just do what the Good Book and the Big Book says, and pray for her. I finally get to go back to phase 4 at drug court this week, and I'll only have to go twice a week instead of 5 days a week. Hopefully I'll phase up to aftercare this Friday, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up about that, they have a way of letting me down. Actually, to be more accurate, I have a way of sabotaging myself every time I start to get ahead, or get a little recovery under my belt. I've gotta start putting the blame where it lies, with myself.

Still sober....

Man oh man, it's harder than you would think, staying sober....sometimes it's overwhelming to think that I can't ever drink even one more little tiny Jack and Coke....I guess that's the reason for the whole "one day at a time" theory. Don't get me wrong, it's not like that's all I ever think about, it's just that I genuinely like drinking beer. It's easy now, when I got drug court breathing down my neck, but when it's over, that's another story....

Oh, and Happy Father's Day, all the dads out there.

GOP Outraged By 'Shakedown' BP Escrow Account, Apologizes To CEO

GOP Outraged By 'Shakedown' BP Escrow Account, Apologizes To CEO

What the hell are these Republicans thinking?!?!

Late Night Liars: Cashmere on the Gulf Oil Spill

FBI Agents, AA meetings, and me

Thank you, God, for allowing me to get straightened up when you did. I have just witnessed someone that I know, a neighbor of mine who was in my AA home group, but who recently relapsed, get arrested by the FBI for multiple bank robberies. Totally took me by surprise. Not the arrest, I know he's been heavily involved in drugs lately, and has been making multiple trips across the border every week. So I naturally assumed when I heard the agents take him down, that it had to be for trafficking narcotics or something. I was blown away when the agent told him that they had him cold for "multiple bank robberies". Man, oh man.

Beach Treasures

I find treasures when I walk on the beach. I try to walk everyday, and take my wife with me. Today, she had a doctors appointment, so it was just me and Brindy. Now, Brindy is our not-too-well-behaved-pitbull (yeah, that's a special breed. I am just no darn good at getting dogs, or anyone else, to mind me!!). It's hard to walk slowly and scour the beach for shells and such when you've got the pup, because she wants to sniff everything, and God forbid another dog walk by and we not run over and play!! But, most days we find stuff on the beach. What we like to find (read: the wife) is sea glass washed up on the shore and ground down to a smooth, oddly shaped finish. Clear is okay, but green is good, and blue or red glass is rarest of all. Today, we just found a couple of pieces, but I found a little toy soldier, I'm pretty sure it's a Decepticon. I seem to find little toy soldiers a lot in the sand, I think I'm going to make a piece of art with them all. Ok, I think this is pretty good for me for one day, so I'll go try and be productive now.l

Yeah, so much for blogging every day!!

I don't think I've ever made it an entire week at one time! Anyhoo, since last time I was on, my Mom and aunt came out here, my daughter graduated from high school, and I got another 30 day token. We'll see if it takes this time. I may be ready.....

Welcome to San Diego

My mom and aunt are here to see Ashley graduate from high school this Friday. I'm happy to see them, Mom especially. Last time I saw her, I wasn't very nice. On another front, I have 30 days tomorrow, again. Maybe this'll be the last time.

Dang it, I keep forgetting to blog!

But, I'm gonna try and be more consistent. I'm coming up on 30 days, again. Hopefully, for the last time. Man, it's killing me going back to Phase I in Drug Court all the freaking time! Anyhoo, it's late, and we've gotta be at a 7:30 am meeting in the morning.....

progress not perfection

So I get called in to the counselors office today at Drug Court. Close the door, Arturo says. I have a positive test for you. No F*cking way I say. It's for Vicodin he says. No sh*t, I say. You know I take Vicodin. Well, I thought you were gonna cut it out. I reply, yeah, unless I really need it, and this weekend I really needed it. Well, I just have to inform you, that's all. I cannot begin to express how much this bothers me. I am prescribed this medication by TWO board certified neurosurgeons. Yet still, they try to tell me what's best for me. I'm sick of it. I have every right to take my medication, yet still this jackass control freak tries to tell me what I can and cannot take, just to get his rocks off. Things will get better, it's not that big of a deal. Get over it already!! I'm trying, I'm trying...........

Friday

Well, it's Friday, and since I am back in phase 1 at Drug Court for a month, I'll be going to court every Friday until I am phased back to 4th phase. I should be in aftercare by now, but hey, nobody's perfect. However, I will not be messing up any more, at least by getting positive tests. OK, I really don't have much to say today. Started physical therapy yesterday, and my whole left side hurts. It even kinda hurts to type, so this is it for the day.

I keep forgetting that I have this blog!

It's hard to keep track of my comings and goings if I never write! So, I'm on the way to my first physical therapy appointment, kind of apprehensive about it. I'm on day 14, hopefully for the last time. Anyhoo, just wanted to check in. I will be updating more regularly, so I'll let ya know how the p/t goes.

Done is done

I just never have been one to know when that is. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, and always let a woman get me into trouble. And everytime, the woman leaves me, her laughing, me the last to know, in trouble, just like I am now. I just want to get off this fucking drug court, and move home to where people who love me are at. I am all, and I do mean all alone now. And it kills me. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I spend foolishly what little  money I have. I got a new tattoo today, and wanted to take a picture of it, but of course the woman took my camera while I was in jail, and will not return it. I have the receipt, but because she's married to me, I don't think the police will go get it.  I am so very very angry, but I will not go get high. I refuse to get in more trouble because of this woman. I gotta go. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Lake Henshaw Trip

So, we've been planning this trip with all out AA friends for months. I get out of jail today. She can't even spend the night with me tonight. She's going to be sleeping in a tent with other people at the campout. Women or not, a hundred people we know will see her with here new "family", and me camping all by mysself. Now how would that make you feel? Maybe I've done some bad shit in the past, but so has she. I was in my addiction. I'm trying to get  past he past, but she's clinging to it and using it as justification to publicly humiliate me, every single day. I just don't know how much more I can take. I guess she's moved on past me, but still wants to act like a couple when it suits her, and I don't know what to do, besides keep playin the sucker. How's the song go? The more you suffer, the more you show you really care!!!! I 'm just a sucker with no self esteem. I can' even sleep, I just get out of jail, and sh'ed rather stay with another family, the husband who she said herself, "scares her". I guess anything's better than me. I'm going to lay down with Brindy. At least she hasn't left me, yet. She's all I've got left . And hell, I can't even really take care of her. Fuck, no wonder I'm alone. I'm fucking pathetic. I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, so I guess I'll curl up with my puppy, and try to sleep. Sorry this entry is so incredibly self depreciating, it's just how my world is crumbling. No, constricting. Like a python or something. I really, really, don't like who I am right now. But hey, at least I'm imploding while sober. Whoopee!!!

Hey Jealousy....

The Gin Blossoms sing a song by that name, and it's always been kinda like a closet favorite of mine, the lyrics are right on. I think that some of my loneliness is actually jealousy over some of her new situations. No rent, a car to use, somewhere to live where I have no access, she's go a full social calendar now, and I get stuck with a shitty apartment and all the bills, which I definately cannot pay. I wish I could be a freewheeling social butterfly whose every need is taken care of by someone else. I don't get to see my kids when I want, I have to deal with all the court bullshit that I do, I could increase the list ad infinitum. It's just not fair. But hey, what is?

Why, why, why?!?!?!

So, I cannot understand why I continually sabotage my life at every turn. Just when it looks like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with Drug Court, I finally reach the fourth phase, I go and drink a couple beers, and get a positive urinalisys. I absolutely cannot afford to go to jail for a week right now. Cannot. I have appointments with surgeons, other prior commitments, and just plain do not like jail. I have a dog that cannot feed herself. I do not understand why I do the things I do. It's like when someone hurts me, I hurt myself to spite them. No one is hurt by my being incarcerated but me. It just hurts me in so many ways. I have a hard time actually accepting how badly I keep fucking up my life. Sorry. There's really no other word that adequately describes my actions. But, I suppose that I will just go to group tomorrow and see what happens and try to maintain a positive attitude. Daddy always told me, "Son, if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough."

I think I might be codependent....

Because it seems to me like I always gotta have a woman living with me, even when it's so bad that I'm going to jail every week for domestic violence, even when I wake up to a fight every single day, I still freak out when she moves out. But the difference today is that I am not going to the bar at 6 am tomorrow morning after smoking speed all night. I'm not depending on a chemical crutch to numb me to all the feelings that I try to smoke into submission because I don't know how to deal with them. Today, I almost, I mean almost, did it. It was so close, but instead I took a nap, and Brindy came up and laid down with her head on me, and I read the Bible until I went to sleep, and just woke up. And I know that I gotta watch out, because it's very easy for me to slip into a deep, serious depression, and stay in bed for days on end. One time, I was working on a bridge, and staying in a motel at the foot of the bridge, and I quit around Thanksgiving I think, and didn't get out of bed until around Christmas. Maybe I've got the dates wrong, but I remember some of the guys from the job coming around and trying to get me to come out, the assistant superintendant tried to get me to come back to work, but I just couldn't. It took running out of money to get my ass out of there. But, that was a different place and time, and I am really trying to be a different man today. Hopefully it'll work. So, just for today, I'm going to be content with just being Paul.

Starting over, again!

So, J doesn't want to make it public, but I'm going to, since it's my life. She's moving out next Wednesday, and has already packed her stuff. I have nothing but a couple of TVs, a laptop and a dog. But you know what, it's ok. I've done it before, more than once or twice. The difference is, this time I'm going to make a concerted effort to do things RIGHT, have some semblance of a normal life......

A new phase in my life

I am thinking that maybe I'm entering a new phase in life. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I need to start a lot of things over, a lot of things. I need to renew my relationship with my kids, that's pretty much my first priority today. I live in a place where I get angry at the situation I have put myself in. I have continually put myself last, just to avoid a fight, for a long time, to my detriment. I am going to make a concerted effort to start asserting myself, and doing things and making decisions that are good for me, for a change. Let's see how well I do!

Sunday Night, 11:33

Man, I haven't been able to sleep lately. I often can't sleep, but for the past week or so, it's been really bad. I have been getting almost no sleep. I can't go to sleep, and then I wake up around 3am, and can't go back to sleep. Hopefully, it won't last long. Maybe it's stress from having to talk to the surgeon, and the possibility of surgery. I have some anxiety about it, and the fact that the adjuster thinks she gets to pick the doctor for me. I have very capable representation in this case, and I know my rights, I need to just take a deep breath, slow down, and take things one step at a time. You know, one of the most important ideas in AA/NA is the "one day at a time" theory, and it's a valid, proven one. I just don't have enough practice doing it! For myself, I find that I have to take it one minute at a time, especially when I start thinking. We all know where my best thinking got me. Here! So, for now, I'm going to turn off the computer, lay down, read for a while, and try to live in the moment, and not worry about next week, or my next doctors appointment, or anything except for today. Tomorrow, I'll tackle whatever comes my way, one thing, problem, and day at a time.

I need to find something constructive to do!!

Really, I do! Since I'm on temporary total disability, I have lots of time on my hands. The problem here is that I don't have the resources to go out and do fun stuff all the time, and since it's my spine that's jacked up, I can't do the things that I have historically enjoyed doing, skateboarding, surfing, mountain biking, etc. etc. So I need to find an outlet for all this bundled up energy. Any suggestions?

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly

This phrase comes from "The Promises" as outlined in the Big Book of AA. It assures me that if I am painstaking about this phase of my development, that life will get better, fear of economic insecurities would slip away, that I would intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me, etc. etc. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's happening veeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyy slooooooooowly. My marriage, it's just bad for everyone involved. My life has no joy. At all. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy? I have to believe that that's not true, or else why keep it up? Man, I hope it changes soon. Something's got to give!

Been a few days!

I've been busy! Between having to go to MHS every week day, and court every Friday, and going to see neurosurgeons, and conferencing with attorneys, the time has flown by! The surgeon I saw yesterday was picked by the insurance adjuster, and I am going to get a second opinion, and maybe a third. Thank God I fall under the Longshoreman's Act! It's a federal worker's compensation program administered by the Department of Labor, and is a much, much better program than state W/C. Pays better, benefits are better, I can choose which doctor I see, the list goes on and on. Let's see....what else? Child support? Still owe $160,000.00 in back child support, which the State of California is aggressively seeking. I can not travel abroad, open a checking account, hold a professional license, the list goes on and on. Never mind the insignificant fact that the amount is WRONG. The People's Republic of California is broke, you see, and so in their infinite wisdom they have decided that I personally should relieve their debt. So that's still an issue. I am returning to court yet again to try and resolve this issue. they are intercepting any monies I get from the federal government. Stimulus check? Gone. Tax return? Gone. All for a debt that I don't actually owe. So, aside from that, gee things are peachy.

Google is funny

Yeah, so Google is too funny sometimes. When you don't capitalize the first "G" in Google, it tells you that it's spelled wrong.

Stupid Blogger!

I did not post yesterday. Not because it was St. Patrick's Day, and I was too immersed in the green mania to blog. I swear, every time I tried to access it, I couldn't find it. I access it through the "more stuff" button on the top of the Google page, and it just wasn't there. But, to my delight, it was back today. I don't question, I just accept. Anyways, since I don't drink, And I'm not Irish, I don't care a whit for the occasion. I would enjoy it for the kids, but I don't get to see them, so that's out. All in all, it's just another day.

Up all night

Up all night is the name of a TV show that was on Comedy Central a few years back, about this guy that visited different cities, went to the local bars, then closed the bars at 4:00 am, and spent the rest of the night wandering around the city exploring different things. I always think about that guy when I can't sleep. It's funny, since the doctor told me I was going to need surgery, my neck/shoulder has hurt more. Psychosomatic, you think? It's funny how that happens to me, even when I'm aware of it. Well, time to go see if I can sleep a little more before the sun comes up.

Disc-osteophyte complex with a superimposed left lateral recess disc protrusion which may contact the left exiting C6 nerve root with moderate central canal stenosis, no right and moderate left foraminal narrowing.  What, you may ask is that? Well, that's what is says on the MRI report for C5-C6. There's more for C3- C4, and C6-C7, but it's just more of the same. The gist is this: I will probably require spine surgery. :( :( I am waiting on the person from the last ortho doctor to call me with my appointment time for the neck surgeon. I am going to ask that they try injections first, before the scalpel. The guy I say today said he thinks it will require surgery, but he's not a specialist. Well, it is what it is!

Saturday night, 9:39. I am bored out of my skull! I tell ya what - this whole sobriety gig is really putting a crimp in my style! Just kidding. But seriously, I still haven't gotten accustomed to the sedate life of a "normie" or normal person. It's times like this when I lay around and my head is going a thousand miles an hour, but not really thinking about anything. I just wish Monday would hurry up and get here, so I can get the results of the MRI I took last Thursday. If I can go back to work in a limited capacity, maybe I stand a chance of pulling it together. I am trying to stay positive, but it sure is difficult when you go out and do your level best, but still live in chaos. I would love to come home to peace and tranquility, but no. It's a struggle everyday. But, the whole idea is to come to a place where I can deal with life on life's terms. I think some major changes are needed, but I just don't know how to go about effecting the necessary changes. It's hard, and I've never been any good at any kind of confrontation at any level, whether it be business, family, whatever. I've said it here before, and I'll say it again before much time elapses, because it bears repeating: it's time to grow up.

Final exam this Tuesday!!

And as usual, I've waited until the last minute to study! Only problem is, the classes I've taken so far have been on subjects that I know very well. Reinforced Masonry never was my thing, so it'll probably be a little harder! But, I'm going to study this weekend, and kill it on Tuesday night! I have an appointment with my new ortho doctor on Monday. I'll find out what the MRI they did on Thursday says. Hopefully, he'll be able to do something to fix it. It's kinda weird not having any feeling in 3 of my fingers on my left hand!! And, the job wants me to come back on light duty asap. Thank God, we really need to money! Again! Seems like life's one big struggle these days. I cannot wait until the day comes when I get my sh*t together, and don't have to live paycheck to paycheck!!

Answered prayers

It's funny, how God works. I haven't received a paycheck in about two months, and it was looking like a long battle with the insurance company. We're behind a month and a half on rent. Last Thursday, the orthopedic surgeon ordered MRI's and put me on TTD (temp. total disability) until the MRI is taken. Today, Tuesday, someone from the corporate office called me, and told me they had some light duty work for me if I wanted it. Of course, I said I wanted to work. The young lady told me she would have to clear it with her boss, and would get back to me tomorrow. Ten minutes later, she called and asked me if I could be at work at nine tomorrow morning. Thank you, God.

Done with the report at last!

I finally finished my report that's due at tomorrow night's class. Once I buckled down and got to it, it took less than an hour to do the actual research. Another hour to transfer it to an Inspection Report form, and Viola!! Done. It's just that easy. Maybe it's time for Procrastination Man to hang up his cape and retire....

A new week

And a busy one! I have a follow up appointment with one of my doctors first thing this morning, which I am going to go to. That may no sound like a big deal to you; it is for me! It's just one more of the things that "normal", responsible people do, but I never used to. Today, I know that while I'm not responsible for my disease, now that I am armed with the knowledge of what I have to do to arrest it, I AM responsible for my recovery.

Feeling somewhat human again

You know, as I sit here, cooking breakfast, watching the rain fall and listening to country music, I begin to realize that I stopped doing things like this when in active addiction. I really hate using that word, addict or addiction, when referring to myself. So, I have to do it a lot! I used to cook, a lot, all the time. Then for a time, I didn't cook anything. (Well, besides methamphetamine!) I really enjoy it. So, I guess I'm finally starting to feel like a whole person again. Funny, when I don't enjoy the simple pleasures in life, I don't realize how badly I miss them. Does that make any sense? Well, it does to me, and I guess that's what counts. I forgot for a long, long time what a neat guy I am. I have the capacity to be a very cool person, if I only let Paul out of that small, dark dungeon I've kept him in for so very long. I'm not back all the way, but I'm still back.

What does a guy have to do

To talk to his kids? It's pathetic, really. My little brother talks to my daughter on Facebook everyday. I don't know exactly when I became the bad guy, but apparently I am. I don't even think I'm going to be able to go to my daughters high school graduation. Her mother is not allowing them to talk to me. My son has to come by when he's going to the beach. Great parenting plan.

You're a hard habit to break.....

Even though I may not be in active addiction at the time, I still find my life chaotic and hectic. It's odd. I was in a much better situation financially, I paid my bills, I got to see my kids, it seems like just about everything was better in my life when I was still using. What I have to keep reminding myself is that my current situation is a result of the years and years of doing exactly what I wanted to, when I wanted to. It's hard to make myself focus on the task at hand. But, I gotta. OK on that note, on to the homework.

Homework. At least I'm researching it in advance!

I'm starting to do things when I should. Or at least, not as late as I used to!

I am trying to do all the right things these days

And I'm not even talking about drinking or using drugs. I am horrible about doing the little things, like calling to make physical therapy appointments, or keeping appointments that I make. I don't know why I am like that, but I am really trying to get better. I am now writing things on the calendar, making a to do list, etc. etc. I WILL start acting like a normal person. I guess that because I just did what I wanted to, when I wanted to for so many years, I have to get used to being responsible. I guess it's time I grew up, huh?

Irresponsibility revisited

Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!! Why is life so damn hard? I am so damn tired of being a f*ck-up. Just when it seems like we're going to be able to get on track and keep our heads above water, something happens. While it's not my fault this time, it's a by-product of my past. I finally start working again, for the first time since July 5, 2006, and I'm on the job less than 3 months before I'm back out of work because of my shoulder. As it turns out, it's not actually my shoulder this time, but my spine. Upon examining the x-rays, Dr A, the orthopedist I was sent to by my insurance carrier, exclaimed "You know, you have the neck of a 70 year old man!". How reassuring! So the next step is an MRI, which the ortho doc has to get approved by the insurance adjuster. It's a very crooked, very nasty game dealing with workers comp. The last time this happened, I was out of work approximately 5 months before I received any compensation. But, this time, I'm not going to drink and drug myself into a stupor each and every day that passes! I sometimes am struck with sudden clarity, and realize a little bit more the extent of damage my years of addiction have caused. I was at the docs office today, and thought that the receptionist looked familiar, but just dismissed it. Then, as I was being interviewed by the assistant, taking my history, she suddenly looked at my file, turned a few pages, and said "Why we saw you here in 2008 for your last injury!" Imagine how silly I felt, sitting in the room telling the woman my medical history, and it was right there in front of her, and I didn't remember that I was ever there. And to make matters worse, I wasn't just there once, I saw them for a couple of months, probably went to the office 20-30 times. Well, as I am trying to learn, I cannot live in the past. I cannot do anything about it, so I don't need to bitch and whine about it. I'm just sayin'. And as I am starting to ramble, I shall close now.

Ahhhh, the joys of being irresponsible for years and years!

You know, I own everything I've ever done. Yes, there's been lots of things I have done wrong, or not done right, yada yada yada......But sometimes enough is enough. Here is a quote from yesterday's letter I received from the County of San Diego Department of Child Support Services:  In order to avoid additional legal action, the total balance due must be paid immediately. What, you may ask, is the total balance that the County of San Diego would like me to pay immediately? Why, only $159,553.62. How do they come to this astronomical, almost absurd amount? That is a great question. One that I cannot get the answer to from anyone. But, it's ok, because the County, in their infinite wisdom, is going to :

a. Suspend my drivers license
b. Suspend any State of California issued licenses, permits, credentials, and certificates
c. Inability to obtain or renew U.S. passport
d. Bank account levies
e. Wage assignment of up to 50% of disposable income. (As calculated by the same math savants that calculated that fabulous amount referred above). 

Boy, is this class booooring!

studying is so much harder when the subject is sooooo dry and boring!

Oh boy, this class is really dragging on.....It's the first class I've actually had to study for...

Ummmmm.......

I don't have another Drs. appointment until until Wednesday. I am going to tell him to either return me to full duty or no duty, one or the other. Being on a limited duty status means I do not get worker's comp. That's how they get around paying you. So, instead of being wishy washy, beind afraid of hurting somebody's feelings, I am going to go in there and be assertive. It only took me 39 years to realize that! ;^)

7am and we are @ an AA meeting. I like to start my day off right!

Decisions, decisions

Why is life have to be so dang difficult? I am now faced with another decision: whether or not to go to work tomorrow. I haven't been released from light duty, so technically if something else happens, the insurance company will use that to contravene any claim I may file. But, we really really need some income coming in. I am in a lot of pain still, and the doctor wants me to see a specialist this week. The company I work for isn't doing their job, the workers comp paperwork hasn't even been filed. The last time I was under the Longshoreman's Act, it took about 5 months to get my first check. So, I can't decide whether or not to retain an attorney. Once I do that, I won't be working for these guys again, for sure. But, I haven't even started looking for an inspector's job. I've already got once certification, I'm still trying for the rest. Ah well, maybe it will all be clearer after a nice long nap.

To work, or not to work? That is the question!

So I've talked to my jobsite boss, and he says come back to work Monday, but he doesn't know how much more work we've got on this contract, and I'm a contracted employee. So, I am faced with a dilemma: go back to work, in excruciating pain and the risk of more serious nerve damage, or start the whole Longshoreman's Act workers comp game again. The problem is, you gotta have representation, or the insurance companies WILL NOT pay you. It's common, industry standard practice. Last time it took me 5 months to get my first check. But, I gotta pay the bills somehow. I'm starting to look for any entry level construction inspection position, but the market's still way down. The inspection business is necessarily tied to the construction trends. But, I'm gonna just keep doing whatever I can to keep my head above water!!

I am soooooo f'ing unorganized!!

I need to write out a to do list everyday, then mark off every single one of them. I think I have some sort of social anxiety, I will just sit here and worry about stuff that I know I should be doing, but don't. I mean, important stuff, doctors appointments, court dates, etc. I'm AM going to start doing things on time instead of being a worried, harried procrastinator.

There's A Bad Moon on the Rise

Yeah, I can tell the moon's almost full again. I am feeling very restless and not satisfied with anything. This is usually about the time I go buy an ounce of speed and 1000 rounds of ammo. But don't worry, Mom, I'm not gonna this time. I'm just sayin'. I have an impinged radial nerve between C5 and C6. I never would have believed how much something that look perfectly fine, and I don't even remember doing can hurt. It's kinda weird, from the base of my spine, all the way down and around my left shoulder and arm to my fingers feels like there's about 220 VAC running through it, and my thumb and first two fingers are numb. *Sigh* I really don't like workers comp, my life is easier for me to deal with when I'm working. Idle hands are Pauly's workshop. And boy, does it get crazy in there sometimes!!

You know, I just realized that just because I stay sober, it doesnt mean that my life will get better. There is no easy way to live, after all.

I'm tired of the goddamn lemonade!!

You know, a friend of mine told me recently, 'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!' Well, I've had about enough lemonade for a while!! :) (That's my attempt at humor.) I still can't go to work, since the doctor has me on light duty. I have to go see an orthopedist next Tuesday. This shoulder injury is way worse than the last one, I think I'm going to need to start looking for inspector jobs this week. Like right now! Failing the ICC exam was like a slap in the face. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself failing it. But, I passed the ACI, so that's something. I have to formulate a new game plan now. Starting a 12 step study tonight, maybe that will help me with me out of control negativity!! Time to walk the dog now.

Hi. Im back.

143.

The 2009 International Building Code and the ICC Concrete Manual

Are both on the way from Amazon, via UPS!! I'm very excited and nervous at the same time about taking the ICC Reinforced Concrete exam. I need these books to round out my list of material for the open book portion of the exam. And now I'll have them on Tuesday! I need to buckle down on the Masonry inspection class, I have missed two of the three classes so far. But, I will get it under control. OK, I have to go and find an AA meeting or an NA meeting, since it's mando that I attend one today.

How pathetic is my life? My brother gets to talk to my kids more than I do. But, I did this to myself. That doesnt make it any less infuriating.

It's so easy for me to get complacent.

One symptom of my disease is my out of control complacency. Most of my issues are fear based, and right now I'm afraid that I'll make the people in the company office mad by going and filling out the workers comp paperwork. But you know what? It's their job to do that paperwork, that's what workers comp is for. It's no concern of mine whether or not they get a bonus this year for no lost time injuries. What is a concern of mine is that I'm in a lot of pain, and it was caused by working in the shipyard. So now, I need to get up and get going!

Here we go again

Oh boy. I've really gone and done it this time. I hurt my back again at work, and foolishly worked in excruciating pain for about five days, and finally had to go to the doctor today. Lo and behold, he put me on what is basically a no duty status by saying I couldn't use my left arm until cleared by an orthopedic surgeon, which prolly ain't gonna happen. I know it's the right thing to do, I'm in horrible pain, but now I'm also scared to death about what we're going to do to survive. It was barely comfortable making a thousand dollars a week, I don't know how it'll turn out making nothing! But, it's for my health, now I'm not blowing all my money on dope, I'm post of the way done with retraining, and you know what, it WILL be ok. Everything will work out, somehow. It always does. Thanks for listening.

Today, revisited

I have all this stuff running through my head, but as soon as I hit "new post", it goes rushing out of my head like someone put a vacuum to my ear. I mean, literally. I think it went something like this, though. I am trying to study and it's pretty tough for me. I'm not used to having to actually study in order to excel. The rest of my classes have been over subject matter that I know cold. I could have taught those classes. This class, however, it on a technology that is not my forte, and it's a little challenging. It's hard to make myself read this stuff. I mean, UFC is on, there's all this interesting stuff on TV, or my personal favorite of late, daydreaming. But I really really want to get these certifications and embark on a career as a Special Inspector. So, what I am going to do now is put the computer away, and turn off the TV and concentrate for an hour. Goodnight, all.

blog it.

I went to drug court today and had to deal with them. Not fun. On the way home, I was thinking about how my life is still chaos even after this long clean and sober. Nothing has changed, except possibly for the worse. I do not really know what to do, but I've decided I am going to do something, besides just bitch. Stay tuned, I'll have more to come.

It's early!

And I'm up and ready for work. Well, maybe not ready, but I'm going anyways! My Tuesday night class is gonna be tough this semester. The last few classes have been on material that I know cold. Stuff I could, and probably have, done in my sleep. But Structural Masonry, not so much. So, I'll actually have to study for a change. Something new for me!! As I grow older, and more sober, I have to face the sad fact that I'm not Superman, I can't do everything that I once could, that I in fact do not know it all. Bummer. But, I am not going to get all down in the mouth about it, I'm just going to figure out how to achieve the same high level of output I am used to having by a different method. Did that make sense? I sometimes think that I don't. I know what I want to say in my head, but it comes out kinda garbled. Anyhoo, Good Morning all, and have a great day. I'm going to!

I was told yesterday to stop spewing so much negativity into the universe

And a couple of other astute things. I am too negative, and I know it. I went back to work today, thank God, and had a pretty good day. then had to come back to I.B. to take a drug test, which made me miss a psychiatrist appointment I made about 3 months ago, and really really needed to make. I reacted badly, as usual, and stormed out screaming my displeasure. Not one of my better moments. But, I know that it's not one of my better moments, and I'm not going to do it again. How's that for assertive and positive?

Another sick day

But unfortunately, I don't get paid sick days, since I am subcontracted (read: pimped out, prostituted, slave-driven, etc.). I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, which is good. This is how it starts for me. Not going to work, being constantly angry at nothing and everything, bad dreams every night. I'm really trying to be proactive, but  I just could not make myself go to work this morning. I know I need to, we desperately need the money, but there was just no way it was happening. I am now going to get up, walk Brindy around I.B. for as long as I can, soak up some of this SoCal sun, see if that helps things.

Cynicism, you say?

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those that do not possess it.
- George Bernard Shaw. I'm not cynical, I'm observant!!

How long am I going to beat myself up over wasted time?

I'm a horrible whiner. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how much better off I should be in life than I actually am. I have reconnected with a childhood friend recently, and they are at such a good place in life, and I swear it's not jealousy, I do not want what they have, but it just highlights to me all the opportunities that I have squandered. But, I know I can still be successful, but it's very very hard for me to stop living in the past. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I'm feel all alone, no matter how many people surround me.

Maybe I was a little hasty.

There's always the right step to take, the right response to make, the right attitude to foster. But if ever we're in doubt, the impulse to forgive and to love will never be wrong.My action today may be an important example for a friend. I pray to choose my steps and words wisely.

 

Wow, I just read that on my FB right after my last post. So, I guess I have issues with impulse control. I just hate spiteful people. I hate the fact that my actions have put me in the  position of weakness in which I currently reside. 

I don't want to be angry anymore.

But I just don't know what to do. At a time when everyone tells me my life should be getting better, it continues to turn to shit. I hate my life. I hate every single solitary aspect of it. I am so fucking unhappy and depressed and angry at the utter shit that my life has turned into that I want to destroy things. Anything. I just do not know how to keep on going when it gets worse by the day, no fuck that, by the fucking minute. That succinct enough for everybody?

A blog for today.

I haven't been able to blog like I would like to, (sounds rather convoluted, doesn't it?) but I plan on starting. I had to go to court today, just a routine Drug Court hearing, but then I had a DV hearing, and it went on and on until almost 2:00 in the afternoon, so I couldn't return to work since we knock off at 2:30. I irritated me a lot more than it probably should have. I don't know why I get steaming mad over every little thing. I try diligently to work on it, but still get angry. It doesn't last long, but I often react very badly, i.e. cursing someone out or really letting them have it. Even when they have it coming, I still wish I could react with tact (I'm a poet today!). I am taking antidepressants as prescribed, and they used to help, but now I think they are ineffective. I have an appointment with the shrink on the 26th, and I think I'll ask him to modify my scripts. Maybe add Abilify to the regimen. Maybe I just need to stop acting childish, I don't know. Okay, time to walk the dog. More later, maybe.

Early mornings make me happy

I like waking up very early. I like the peace and solitude, I get to collect my thoughts and prepare for the day ahead. I have been very restless and discontent lately, and I'm not really sure why. Hopefully it'll pass uneventfully. Have a great day, everyone.

I am finally going to take the ICC info to the Dept of Rehab so they can pay for the tests. I dont know why I procrastinate so much. Social anxiety I think!

the seventh month

So I have been sober for seven months and I can't say that I particularly like it. I hate having someone telling me what to do. Not very adult of me, I'm sure, but that's where it's at. I wish I could write all that I think to write, but unfortunately I think of it all when I'm in inopportune places, like work or an AA meeting. Ah well.

No matter how I try I always seem to find myself in the same old grind.....

That's Led Zeppelin for all you young 'uns. I'm back working seven days a week, but that's a good thing. I'm very very busy these days, and have had absolutely no chance to blog, but I keep saying I'm gonna make time for it, cause I think it's good for me. We shall see.

Friday Night in the Big City

Just kidding. I.B. isn't that big. And, I have to work at 5:00 in the morning, so it's off to bed I go.

At long last!!

After getting home from work, Jessi came in and excitedly exclaimed that my son, Adam was here! Now, I haven't seen my son in about six months. Finally, he's coming around. It was great to see him. Maybe things will be okay, after all. That's all I want, is to see the kids and be a part of their lives.

Maybe I'll have time to complete a post now.

I have lots to say, but I often don't get the chance to put it all down. I really had something to say yesterday, but wasn't able to adequately express myself. And now I'm not in the frame of mind to do it. I have the ability to be very eloquent when I want to.

Missed Opportunities

As I grow older, and since my sudden sobriety, I think more and more about all the chances I've had, and blown. It's like I can physically feel them slipping away. I know that's counterproductive, and that "working the steps" is supposed to relieve some of that, but it definitely hasn't done so yet.

Back to work. Just as boring as before. I guess I'd rather be bored and getting paid than bored at home!

From Craig

Poor decisions I made in the past might still make others distrust my ability to make wise choices. My perception was clouded, and I had trouble doing what was best for me. I lacked the awareness of real danger. But now I'm learning how to make healthy and wise decisions, taking care of myself. Other people may want... me to prove myself to them, but the only person I have to prove anything to is myself.  

I got this off my friend Craig's FB page. He's one of my AA friends. A very good guy. He's truly went above and beyond to help Jessi and I when we really needed it. And I gotta tell ya, all these people that owe me all these thousands of dollars were (and still are) nowhere to be found!

I forgot to blog yesterday

I think. I have been struggling lately with my life. Again, it's not being able to see my kids. It occupies my every waking moment. Every time that Zoe is here, it makes me that much more morose. Now don't get me wrong, it's not Zoe's fault I can't see the kids. She asks for them all the time. It's not Jessi's fault, either. Hell, it's not really Maria's fault. It's all mine. And I can own that today. So I guess that's improvement. I have also had a hard time getting into the whole "recovery" thing. I keep thinking to myself that I'm not going to attend meetings anymore after drug court. That I don't need them. All those people are losers who have replace drugs/alcohol with meetings. Well, so what? Better addicted to meetings than meth! It's my self centered, selfish ego that has a problem with the whole addict thing. I can admit it out loud, at a meeting, but do I really really believe it? I don't know. And I suppose that I don't know is the same as I'm not. So maybe I need to start working the steps. I'm on my second sponsor, my first decided that with my connections, I'd be a good drug dealer for him, so he had to go. Yeah, he's in jail now. My new sponsor, Pete, a retired Navy diver, is good as gold, a great guy that I can relate to. He's just not really into leading me through the steps. I think maybe I'm his first sponsee. I've been thinking lately that I need a new sponsor. So stay tuned, the drama continues!!