Getting back to the basics

Since I started this blog to put down my feelings about sobriety, or lack thereof, let's get back to it! I have been thinking and thinking about graduating from Drug Court. I have been going back and forth about whether to go back to drinking at least. I don't think I'll really know, or be able to decide how I feel about it, until I graduate from the program (which, by the way, is next Tuesday!!) and don't have a sentence hanging over my head. So, stay tuned, it could get interesting.....

Turns out I was wrong about the bus. It still sucks.

You know, when I swallow my pride, taking the bus isnt that bad. It stops right in front of the pad every 15 minutes.

It's just a game of chance....

26 OCT 2009 Staff SGT David Metzger was killed in action around Helmand Province, Afghanistan. 31 OCT 2009 SGT Cesar Ruiz was killed in action in Helmand Province. It was a bad week for the good guys. As I look back now, I wonder why those guys are gone, and I'm still here. I worked in Khowst, which is close to Helmand, and a hotbed of insurgency. I was in a helo that almost hit the ground one night. I was in a helo that lost a main rotor bearing and had to land in no man's land for about six hours until we were picked up. I drank lots and lots of alcohol, and did so many crazy things in the time I was in Afghanistan, yet here I am, alive and kicking. It never ceases to amaze me who God chooses to take and who he chooses to leave here. Makes me think I should stop effin' my life away and actually do something for a change.....

Trying really hard to do my homework

But it's kind of difficult. Right now, I feel like there's nobody on my side. I have a wife that's scheming behind my back, talking about leaving. She won't do it for a while, though, because I pay all the rent. What little money she makes gets spent on her daughter. Which is all well and good, if you can pay your bills first. I don't do a damn thing for my kids, because I have to pay the bills. I really, really want to be by myself. At least then, I know who's with me and who's against me. Cause right now, it's me against the world. Funny thing, how people go around behind your back, telling the whole world what a bad person you are, but are still happy to let you buy groceries, pay rent, pay electricity, you know. I am so fucking tired of it. And the funny thing is, I let myself get put into a situation, where I can't tell her to leave, cause then she calls the cops, makes up some lies, and I go to jail. It's a fucking lose, lose situation, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

bitch, bitch bitch

I know that's what it sounds like I'm always doing. And truth be known, I am. But I gotta say it sometime, somewhere. My ratty ass tiny apartment that I pay for all by myself has been turned into an eight year old egomaniacs personal toy box. That's no overstating the facts, either. The kid does what she wants, when she wants, suffers no consequences for anything. I have family, younger than me, that live rent free on a piece of land that probably already belongs to him, if it wasn't for having to pay property taxes, doesn't have to work, gets nice cars, brags to me, to ME about him being a property owner. Owns all his shit, outright. Bought and paid for. Yeah, just not by him. I can't even begin to put down on here everything I feel, I am so effing angry right now. Life just keeps getting worse for me, better for everyone around me. Lucky them.

Rainy day in San Diego

Doesn't happen very often! But, it matches by attitude this morning. I'm not happy. J has been getting ready for her daughter's birthday party today. And that's great, but it's a constant reminder that I don't get to do the same for my children. That's selfish,I know, but that's how it is. I'm tired of never being happy. I'm very upset about how things are turning out. Nothing ever turns out in my favor. Never. I'm ready to leave, but can't. Why? Oh, because I'm still on probation. Just me. I have 41 more weeks of it. Hopefully, I can turn this into something positive, and be ready to do something with my life by the time I'm off probation. We'll see.....

flashback 1994

Man, the local news station has had a local musician playing all morning between the news. Steve Poltz, a local legend on the San Diego music scene. He was the frontman for a band called The Rugburns in the '90's. Makes me very nostalgic for about 1994 or so....

Riding the bus again today. A 20 minute round trip turns into a 4 hour ordeal. I guess I'm learning patience, huh?

On my way to my next to the last court date...one more month!

29 days, and counting

Until I finish Drug Court. Man, it's been a long time coming! I am, unfortunately, in no better of a position today than I was two years ago. In fact, I'm in arguably the worst shape of my life. Financially, I am barely scraping by on a paltry disability check, and I have a bitter ex-wife who refuses to let me see my kids, my truck is wrecked, my drivers license is suspended due to seizures that started right before my 40th birthday, I could increase the list ad infinitum. But I won't. I'm just saying, life was a lot better before drug court "saved me". I'm just saying.

bills, bills, bills!!

You know, I make just enough on disability to pay the rent, power, and cable bill, with very little left for food or anything else. I will be so glad when I can go back to work!!