Decisions, decisions

Why is life have to be so dang difficult? I am now faced with another decision: whether or not to go to work tomorrow. I haven't been released from light duty, so technically if something else happens, the insurance company will use that to contravene any claim I may file. But, we really really need some income coming in. I am in a lot of pain still, and the doctor wants me to see a specialist this week. The company I work for isn't doing their job, the workers comp paperwork hasn't even been filed. The last time I was under the Longshoreman's Act, it took about 5 months to get my first check. So, I can't decide whether or not to retain an attorney. Once I do that, I won't be working for these guys again, for sure. But, I haven't even started looking for an inspector's job. I've already got once certification, I'm still trying for the rest. Ah well, maybe it will all be clearer after a nice long nap.

To work, or not to work? That is the question!

So I've talked to my jobsite boss, and he says come back to work Monday, but he doesn't know how much more work we've got on this contract, and I'm a contracted employee. So, I am faced with a dilemma: go back to work, in excruciating pain and the risk of more serious nerve damage, or start the whole Longshoreman's Act workers comp game again. The problem is, you gotta have representation, or the insurance companies WILL NOT pay you. It's common, industry standard practice. Last time it took me 5 months to get my first check. But, I gotta pay the bills somehow. I'm starting to look for any entry level construction inspection position, but the market's still way down. The inspection business is necessarily tied to the construction trends. But, I'm gonna just keep doing whatever I can to keep my head above water!!

I am soooooo f'ing unorganized!!

I need to write out a to do list everyday, then mark off every single one of them. I think I have some sort of social anxiety, I will just sit here and worry about stuff that I know I should be doing, but don't. I mean, important stuff, doctors appointments, court dates, etc. I'm AM going to start doing things on time instead of being a worried, harried procrastinator.

There's A Bad Moon on the Rise

Yeah, I can tell the moon's almost full again. I am feeling very restless and not satisfied with anything. This is usually about the time I go buy an ounce of speed and 1000 rounds of ammo. But don't worry, Mom, I'm not gonna this time. I'm just sayin'. I have an impinged radial nerve between C5 and C6. I never would have believed how much something that look perfectly fine, and I don't even remember doing can hurt. It's kinda weird, from the base of my spine, all the way down and around my left shoulder and arm to my fingers feels like there's about 220 VAC running through it, and my thumb and first two fingers are numb. *Sigh* I really don't like workers comp, my life is easier for me to deal with when I'm working. Idle hands are Pauly's workshop. And boy, does it get crazy in there sometimes!!

You know, I just realized that just because I stay sober, it doesnt mean that my life will get better. There is no easy way to live, after all.

I'm tired of the goddamn lemonade!!

You know, a friend of mine told me recently, 'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!' Well, I've had about enough lemonade for a while!! :) (That's my attempt at humor.) I still can't go to work, since the doctor has me on light duty. I have to go see an orthopedist next Tuesday. This shoulder injury is way worse than the last one, I think I'm going to need to start looking for inspector jobs this week. Like right now! Failing the ICC exam was like a slap in the face. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself failing it. But, I passed the ACI, so that's something. I have to formulate a new game plan now. Starting a 12 step study tonight, maybe that will help me with me out of control negativity!! Time to walk the dog now.

Hi. Im back.

143.

The 2009 International Building Code and the ICC Concrete Manual

Are both on the way from Amazon, via UPS!! I'm very excited and nervous at the same time about taking the ICC Reinforced Concrete exam. I need these books to round out my list of material for the open book portion of the exam. And now I'll have them on Tuesday! I need to buckle down on the Masonry inspection class, I have missed two of the three classes so far. But, I will get it under control. OK, I have to go and find an AA meeting or an NA meeting, since it's mando that I attend one today.

How pathetic is my life? My brother gets to talk to my kids more than I do. But, I did this to myself. That doesnt make it any less infuriating.

It's so easy for me to get complacent.

One symptom of my disease is my out of control complacency. Most of my issues are fear based, and right now I'm afraid that I'll make the people in the company office mad by going and filling out the workers comp paperwork. But you know what? It's their job to do that paperwork, that's what workers comp is for. It's no concern of mine whether or not they get a bonus this year for no lost time injuries. What is a concern of mine is that I'm in a lot of pain, and it was caused by working in the shipyard. So now, I need to get up and get going!

Here we go again

Oh boy. I've really gone and done it this time. I hurt my back again at work, and foolishly worked in excruciating pain for about five days, and finally had to go to the doctor today. Lo and behold, he put me on what is basically a no duty status by saying I couldn't use my left arm until cleared by an orthopedic surgeon, which prolly ain't gonna happen. I know it's the right thing to do, I'm in horrible pain, but now I'm also scared to death about what we're going to do to survive. It was barely comfortable making a thousand dollars a week, I don't know how it'll turn out making nothing! But, it's for my health, now I'm not blowing all my money on dope, I'm post of the way done with retraining, and you know what, it WILL be ok. Everything will work out, somehow. It always does. Thanks for listening.