Done is done

I just never have been one to know when that is. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, and always let a woman get me into trouble. And everytime, the woman leaves me, her laughing, me the last to know, in trouble, just like I am now. I just want to get off this fucking drug court, and move home to where people who love me are at. I am all, and I do mean all alone now. And it kills me. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I spend foolishly what little  money I have. I got a new tattoo today, and wanted to take a picture of it, but of course the woman took my camera while I was in jail, and will not return it. I have the receipt, but because she's married to me, I don't think the police will go get it.  I am so very very angry, but I will not go get high. I refuse to get in more trouble because of this woman. I gotta go. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Lake Henshaw Trip

So, we've been planning this trip with all out AA friends for months. I get out of jail today. She can't even spend the night with me tonight. She's going to be sleeping in a tent with other people at the campout. Women or not, a hundred people we know will see her with here new "family", and me camping all by mysself. Now how would that make you feel? Maybe I've done some bad shit in the past, but so has she. I was in my addiction. I'm trying to get  past he past, but she's clinging to it and using it as justification to publicly humiliate me, every single day. I just don't know how much more I can take. I guess she's moved on past me, but still wants to act like a couple when it suits her, and I don't know what to do, besides keep playin the sucker. How's the song go? The more you suffer, the more you show you really care!!!! I 'm just a sucker with no self esteem. I can' even sleep, I just get out of jail, and sh'ed rather stay with another family, the husband who she said herself, "scares her". I guess anything's better than me. I'm going to lay down with Brindy. At least she hasn't left me, yet. She's all I've got left . And hell, I can't even really take care of her. Fuck, no wonder I'm alone. I'm fucking pathetic. I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, so I guess I'll curl up with my puppy, and try to sleep. Sorry this entry is so incredibly self depreciating, it's just how my world is crumbling. No, constricting. Like a python or something. I really, really, don't like who I am right now. But hey, at least I'm imploding while sober. Whoopee!!!

Hey Jealousy....

The Gin Blossoms sing a song by that name, and it's always been kinda like a closet favorite of mine, the lyrics are right on. I think that some of my loneliness is actually jealousy over some of her new situations. No rent, a car to use, somewhere to live where I have no access, she's go a full social calendar now, and I get stuck with a shitty apartment and all the bills, which I definately cannot pay. I wish I could be a freewheeling social butterfly whose every need is taken care of by someone else. I don't get to see my kids when I want, I have to deal with all the court bullshit that I do, I could increase the list ad infinitum. It's just not fair. But hey, what is?

Why, why, why?!?!?!

So, I cannot understand why I continually sabotage my life at every turn. Just when it looks like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with Drug Court, I finally reach the fourth phase, I go and drink a couple beers, and get a positive urinalisys. I absolutely cannot afford to go to jail for a week right now. Cannot. I have appointments with surgeons, other prior commitments, and just plain do not like jail. I have a dog that cannot feed herself. I do not understand why I do the things I do. It's like when someone hurts me, I hurt myself to spite them. No one is hurt by my being incarcerated but me. It just hurts me in so many ways. I have a hard time actually accepting how badly I keep fucking up my life. Sorry. There's really no other word that adequately describes my actions. But, I suppose that I will just go to group tomorrow and see what happens and try to maintain a positive attitude. Daddy always told me, "Son, if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough."

I think I might be codependent....

Because it seems to me like I always gotta have a woman living with me, even when it's so bad that I'm going to jail every week for domestic violence, even when I wake up to a fight every single day, I still freak out when she moves out. But the difference today is that I am not going to the bar at 6 am tomorrow morning after smoking speed all night. I'm not depending on a chemical crutch to numb me to all the feelings that I try to smoke into submission because I don't know how to deal with them. Today, I almost, I mean almost, did it. It was so close, but instead I took a nap, and Brindy came up and laid down with her head on me, and I read the Bible until I went to sleep, and just woke up. And I know that I gotta watch out, because it's very easy for me to slip into a deep, serious depression, and stay in bed for days on end. One time, I was working on a bridge, and staying in a motel at the foot of the bridge, and I quit around Thanksgiving I think, and didn't get out of bed until around Christmas. Maybe I've got the dates wrong, but I remember some of the guys from the job coming around and trying to get me to come out, the assistant superintendant tried to get me to come back to work, but I just couldn't. It took running out of money to get my ass out of there. But, that was a different place and time, and I am really trying to be a different man today. Hopefully it'll work. So, just for today, I'm going to be content with just being Paul.

Starting over, again!

So, J doesn't want to make it public, but I'm going to, since it's my life. She's moving out next Wednesday, and has already packed her stuff. I have nothing but a couple of TVs, a laptop and a dog. But you know what, it's ok. I've done it before, more than once or twice. The difference is, this time I'm going to make a concerted effort to do things RIGHT, have some semblance of a normal life......