You Say it's your Birthday

It's my birthday too!! Hurray!! I'm 39. And I'm also 78 days clean and sober. Things still haven't gotten any better, in fact, they're getting worse. We're very may get evicted tomorrow. I'm trying very hard to trust in God, and our landlord is a very understanding guy, but we don't have last month's rent, let alone this month. He said to get him something, and we're doing that, slowly. We'll have about $200.00 for him today. Hopefully, he'll let us stay. I'm pretty actively looking for work now. But the union wants $300.00 for me to renew my membership down here, and I don't have it. So we're hoping for a miracle. I sure could use one today. But I'm not going to let it bring me down, and I'm not gonna drink over it.

Hot days, itchy dogs

I'm from NW Florida, and when I say I know what hot weather is, I mean it. 100 degrees, 110 percent humidity. Wake up sweating. Get out of the shower sweating. Go to bed sweating. Anyone who doesn't think global warming is real needs to come to San Diego right now. Normally, it's sunny, 70 and blissfully cool. Not this summer. You know why they call the dog days the dog days? I was told by someone who was born in the 1900's and lived a long and interesting life that it was because it was so hot, the dogs don't want to even move out of the shade. That's what poor Brindy has been doing for the last week. My baby pitbull is scratching at herself, laying around and just acting like she's very upset at me for allowing it to be so hot. Hopefully, it'll cool down soon. I've got to find a way to get to the 6:30 speaker meeting, so I'll close for now.

N.A. BBQ

We're going to an NA BBQ today. Or at least I am. My wife has her daughter, who tells her what to do. I am not allowed to see my kids, and it's going to be the reason I start drinking again, if anything will. Every time I see someone with their kids, especially my wife, I get upset. Maybe one day I'll get over it, but I doubt it.

What to do now?

I forgot to mention that on Thursday, my SSDI application was denied. "Though you are in significant pain a majority of the time, you do not meet Social Security's guidelines for SSDI." Gee, thanks guys. The problem is, the nice lady at the Social Security office told me that I was "practically guaranteed" to be approved, so I've really been counting on it. She even told me how much back pay I'd be receiving for last year. Nope, sorry. That's what I get for counting the proverbial (golden) egg before it hatches. So now, we're scrambling for rent for LAST month, which needs to be paid before September's rent is due in, oh, three days. I'm going to start really looking for a job, but I normally look in the skilled labor market. I build bridges, highrises, things of that nature. I'm very good at it. I've never had trouble finding god, high paying jobs. Now, I have a chronic, permanent back injury. It hurts, right now. And I haven't worked in almost three years. So, I'm troubled by that. But, I'm going to start looking at Home Depot, Lowe's, places of that nature. And turn it over to God. That's a big one for me. Because although I can say I'm giving it to God, and still stew over a problem, try my hardest to think of a solution. Here's the problem with that, folks: My BEST thinking got me where I am today. In a pickle, to say the least. So I am making a concious effort these days to earnestly and honestly let God guide me. But, on the other hand, I'm still sober, my drug treatment program is progressing (slowly), I don't think that maybe I should have just taken some prison time instead of this diversionary program any more. Today, I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on life. Today, I'm going to go for a long walk on the beach with my dog. Have a great day, everybody.

Hosting out first sober BBQ

We just had our first BBQ since beginning sobriety, and it was a little weird. So much of my life has been spent high, I don't really know how to act sober. Sounds weird, I know, but I don't really know how to explain it. I read in an interview in a leading music magazine one time, with I think members of Jimmy Buffet's band, where one of the musicians stated that he went to rehab to "learn how not to drink". That's exactly how I feel these days. Drugs have been an integral part of my life for so long, I don't really have any adult memories of living without them. And I know things are supposed to get better, but damn if things are getting steadily worse. I went from having a nice house, a nice car, multiple vehicles, 160,000.00 in the bank to today, where if I don't come up with 700.00 by Tuesday, I'll be on the streets. Happy Birthday, dumbass. But, I'm not trying to complain, Oh, poor me! I realize that I put myself in this situation, it's just frustrating. And more than a little overwhelming.

Food Stamps

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! We finally got food stamps today, after all the sh*t I talked about people on welfare. It's a humbling experience, but at the same time, I'm very excited! We've got food!! Hurray for the communists in California!!

No poop on the floor!

Hurray!! So, upon waking at 4:28 this morning to Brindy telling me she needed to go for a walk, I entered the living room with trepidation. On the previous four or five mornings, I woke to poo on the living room floor. I shared this on Facebook yesterday, and got a few suggestions from friends and family about what to do. I suppose Brindy read this, and decided the best course of action would be to just wait to poo. Thank you, Brindy!! It's Thursday, I have a date in Superior Court for a child support hearing. I'm not going. I have a highly paid mouthpiece, and I've always believed in letting lawyers do thier job. Maybe that's the wrong idea, I don't know. I have a feeling that things are going to slowly get better on all fronts the longer I stay clean and sober. So, happy Thursday to all!!

Walk the Dog

OK, it's time for me to walk our baby, Brindy. Brindy is our year old pitbull puppy. I always had a dislike for the breed, cause I listened to the news. But since I got her, I've learned a new appreciation for the breed. She is the best, sweetest dog I've ever had. My wife says she's my therapy dog.

My mother, the blogger.

You know, the last thing in the world I would ever have expected my mother to be is a blogger, but she is, and her blog is great! I oftentimes learn things from it I never would have known about her otherwise. To say we have had our differences would be putting it lightly. I hope that one day I'll be able to make my amends to her for all the mean things I've said and done to her.

Maybe she's mad at me?

So, I am awakened by my one year old pit bull, Brindy. It's pitch black outside. Black as a thousand midnights. I grope for my glasses. I stare at the digital alarm clock until the numbers come into focus. 4:56? A.M.? Time to walk the dog. Ahhhh, she's left me another present in the middle of the living room floor. Poop. She's been doing this for the last 4 or 5 nights. I have no idea why, since I walk her at night. She comes and wakes me up if she wants to go out. Maybe I've upset her. You know how finicky women can be. Anyways, I needed to get up. Today is our appointment at the welfare office. Ah, how the mighty (stupid) have fallen! But, I don't have to drink or get high over it today. So I'm taking the moral high road. I guess.

Rainy days and Mondays......

OK, so it's never rainy here, and Mondays don't even really get me down so much, it just sounded like a good segue into today's post. One of my better Mondays, still kinda happy about phasing up last Friday. I hate, and I really mean hate, being broke. But when I called Mr. Prantil (my child support lawyer) today about my child support hearing this Thursday, he asked about the status of my SSDI application. So I called Mr. Perkins at SSDI and he said they would be finishing my determination today. So by Wednesday, I should know whether or not I was approved. I'm really counting on it getting approved, as I am very broke. In more ways than one! It's a pretty new thing for me, being permenantly injured. I've worked my whole life, and am not really adjusting very well to this disabled lifestyle. But that's a whole 'nother blog. Maybe tomorrow. Right now I'm thinking about how to get some cigarettes without Jessi yelling at me. Bye for now.

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OK, I'm not really sure how this feature works, so we'll see what happens. This should be a link to an article about the VA's new policy regarding PTSD.

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2nd Phase!!

So earlier, I forgot to add that I was phased up yesterday!! I'm in Drug Court, and was promoted to Phase II, and it was totally unexpected. No more 10 o'clock curfew!!

Been slacking off....

So, I started this blog with every intention of keeping a daily journal of my sobriety. I have, as usual, failed miserably! It's ok, though. It's just a blog. I'll just start.....today! Ok, it's Saturday, and I'm not doing much. Unfortunately, my wife is in a horrible mood. It really impacts my life when she's in a bad mood. Which is prolly 85 percent of the time. I wish I knew why, but I don't. I am constantly, and I mean constantly being accused of having sex with practically every woman in the Greater San Diego area. I'm very, very, very tired of it. I don't really know what to do about this situation. She really is making my life miserable. My entire life. Maybe she just doesn't want to be happy. At least not with me!! But, I'm going to try and not let it ruin my every waking moment, like it has been. And that's all, for now. More later, if I remember.

Well, it's Monday now, and I forgot about blogging this weekend. Which is ok, cause not much happened. I stayed sober, yay for me! Drug Court continues to be a pain in the ass. I still haven't seen my kids. I talked to my son on Sunday, he called to ask about a launch ramp I've got. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to talk to them anymore. It's really tearing me apart. I don't know exactly what to do about it. OK, I'm gonna start off slow, so bye for now.