It's getting better, but it sure is taking a long time!!

Well, it's been a month since Jessi left me. I just realized that! She's gotten on with her life, and is fine. I am better than I was, that's for damn sure, but I'm not good. Not by a long shot. Hell, she's so involved with her program, she's got all the days mapped out for the next year. And you know what? She is sooooooo over me, I don't know what I'm doing still agonizing over her. I suppose because I love her. But, I want her to be happy, and she can't be happy with me, so it logically follows that I will be ok with the divorce. So, enough about that, let's get down to the reason I started this blog: my disease! When Jess left me, I lost it for a couple of weeks, went off the deep end. But, I survived it, and made it back to the rooms. It's very hard for me now, because I relapsed, and because Jessi still goes to most of the same meetings, and I feel like a big joke that everyone else is in on. Silly? Perhaps, but you have no idea what a wild ride the last 5 years have been. I'm going to bed. I'll try again tomorrow.

I have to do something different, or I'm going to die.

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is for me to type that title, knowing that it could be true? I have not ate, at all, today. And when I don't eat, I don't normally take my meds. I am so effed up by Jessi leaving me. I should be okay with it, she's really screwed me over in the past, and again now. She lies as smoothly as if it were Gospel dropping from her lips. She deliberately deceived me about the car, and has hidden it ever since. But, the sad fact is, that I actually love the woman. And it's killing me, literally and figuratively. I have got to figure out what I'm going to do to get past this. She tells me there's a chance for us, after she gets her precious divorce. So, that's that. Only "a chance" or "I'm not making any promises", which both mean no, I just don't want to argue right now.

Oh man, it's taking me a while to get over her....

I am having a hard time with this. I can't sleep, can't eat, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was heartbroken....I went to the beach a lot today. Took Brindy a bunch, she's very very depressed, and I have no idea what to do about it. Jessica gave me a ride to DV class today, and I asked her to see Brindy for a minute, but she wouldn't. It just seems like she enjoys my pain. I just don't get it.

It hurts, but at least the pain is familiar.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, I DO NOT  want to be divorced!! I love my wife, and want to stay married. But if she stays in hiding until the divorce goes through, what can I do? All  I can do is pray, stay sober, and see what happens. I'll keep ya posted.

This sucks. I hate my lonley life. I really do not like being by myself.