A new phase in my life

I am thinking that maybe I'm entering a new phase in life. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I need to start a lot of things over, a lot of things. I need to renew my relationship with my kids, that's pretty much my first priority today. I live in a place where I get angry at the situation I have put myself in. I have continually put myself last, just to avoid a fight, for a long time, to my detriment. I am going to make a concerted effort to start asserting myself, and doing things and making decisions that are good for me, for a change. Let's see how well I do!

Sunday Night, 11:33

Man, I haven't been able to sleep lately. I often can't sleep, but for the past week or so, it's been really bad. I have been getting almost no sleep. I can't go to sleep, and then I wake up around 3am, and can't go back to sleep. Hopefully, it won't last long. Maybe it's stress from having to talk to the surgeon, and the possibility of surgery. I have some anxiety about it, and the fact that the adjuster thinks she gets to pick the doctor for me. I have very capable representation in this case, and I know my rights, I need to just take a deep breath, slow down, and take things one step at a time. You know, one of the most important ideas in AA/NA is the "one day at a time" theory, and it's a valid, proven one. I just don't have enough practice doing it! For myself, I find that I have to take it one minute at a time, especially when I start thinking. We all know where my best thinking got me. Here! So, for now, I'm going to turn off the computer, lay down, read for a while, and try to live in the moment, and not worry about next week, or my next doctors appointment, or anything except for today. Tomorrow, I'll tackle whatever comes my way, one thing, problem, and day at a time.

I need to find something constructive to do!!

Really, I do! Since I'm on temporary total disability, I have lots of time on my hands. The problem here is that I don't have the resources to go out and do fun stuff all the time, and since it's my spine that's jacked up, I can't do the things that I have historically enjoyed doing, skateboarding, surfing, mountain biking, etc. etc. So I need to find an outlet for all this bundled up energy. Any suggestions?

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly

This phrase comes from "The Promises" as outlined in the Big Book of AA. It assures me that if I am painstaking about this phase of my development, that life will get better, fear of economic insecurities would slip away, that I would intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me, etc. etc. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's happening veeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyy slooooooooowly. My marriage, it's just bad for everyone involved. My life has no joy. At all. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy? I have to believe that that's not true, or else why keep it up? Man, I hope it changes soon. Something's got to give!

Been a few days!

I've been busy! Between having to go to MHS every week day, and court every Friday, and going to see neurosurgeons, and conferencing with attorneys, the time has flown by! The surgeon I saw yesterday was picked by the insurance adjuster, and I am going to get a second opinion, and maybe a third. Thank God I fall under the Longshoreman's Act! It's a federal worker's compensation program administered by the Department of Labor, and is a much, much better program than state W/C. Pays better, benefits are better, I can choose which doctor I see, the list goes on and on. Let's see....what else? Child support? Still owe $160,000.00 in back child support, which the State of California is aggressively seeking. I can not travel abroad, open a checking account, hold a professional license, the list goes on and on. Never mind the insignificant fact that the amount is WRONG. The People's Republic of California is broke, you see, and so in their infinite wisdom they have decided that I personally should relieve their debt. So that's still an issue. I am returning to court yet again to try and resolve this issue. they are intercepting any monies I get from the federal government. Stimulus check? Gone. Tax return? Gone. All for a debt that I don't actually owe. So, aside from that, gee things are peachy.

Google is funny

Yeah, so Google is too funny sometimes. When you don't capitalize the first "G" in Google, it tells you that it's spelled wrong.

Stupid Blogger!

I did not post yesterday. Not because it was St. Patrick's Day, and I was too immersed in the green mania to blog. I swear, every time I tried to access it, I couldn't find it. I access it through the "more stuff" button on the top of the Google page, and it just wasn't there. But, to my delight, it was back today. I don't question, I just accept. Anyways, since I don't drink, And I'm not Irish, I don't care a whit for the occasion. I would enjoy it for the kids, but I don't get to see them, so that's out. All in all, it's just another day.

Up all night

Up all night is the name of a TV show that was on Comedy Central a few years back, about this guy that visited different cities, went to the local bars, then closed the bars at 4:00 am, and spent the rest of the night wandering around the city exploring different things. I always think about that guy when I can't sleep. It's funny, since the doctor told me I was going to need surgery, my neck/shoulder has hurt more. Psychosomatic, you think? It's funny how that happens to me, even when I'm aware of it. Well, time to go see if I can sleep a little more before the sun comes up.

Disc-osteophyte complex with a superimposed left lateral recess disc protrusion which may contact the left exiting C6 nerve root with moderate central canal stenosis, no right and moderate left foraminal narrowing.  What, you may ask is that? Well, that's what is says on the MRI report for C5-C6. There's more for C3- C4, and C6-C7, but it's just more of the same. The gist is this: I will probably require spine surgery. :( :( I am waiting on the person from the last ortho doctor to call me with my appointment time for the neck surgeon. I am going to ask that they try injections first, before the scalpel. The guy I say today said he thinks it will require surgery, but he's not a specialist. Well, it is what it is!

Saturday night, 9:39. I am bored out of my skull! I tell ya what - this whole sobriety gig is really putting a crimp in my style! Just kidding. But seriously, I still haven't gotten accustomed to the sedate life of a "normie" or normal person. It's times like this when I lay around and my head is going a thousand miles an hour, but not really thinking about anything. I just wish Monday would hurry up and get here, so I can get the results of the MRI I took last Thursday. If I can go back to work in a limited capacity, maybe I stand a chance of pulling it together. I am trying to stay positive, but it sure is difficult when you go out and do your level best, but still live in chaos. I would love to come home to peace and tranquility, but no. It's a struggle everyday. But, the whole idea is to come to a place where I can deal with life on life's terms. I think some major changes are needed, but I just don't know how to go about effecting the necessary changes. It's hard, and I've never been any good at any kind of confrontation at any level, whether it be business, family, whatever. I've said it here before, and I'll say it again before much time elapses, because it bears repeating: it's time to grow up.

Final exam this Tuesday!!

And as usual, I've waited until the last minute to study! Only problem is, the classes I've taken so far have been on subjects that I know very well. Reinforced Masonry never was my thing, so it'll probably be a little harder! But, I'm going to study this weekend, and kill it on Tuesday night! I have an appointment with my new ortho doctor on Monday. I'll find out what the MRI they did on Thursday says. Hopefully, he'll be able to do something to fix it. It's kinda weird not having any feeling in 3 of my fingers on my left hand!! And, the job wants me to come back on light duty asap. Thank God, we really need to money! Again! Seems like life's one big struggle these days. I cannot wait until the day comes when I get my sh*t together, and don't have to live paycheck to paycheck!!

Answered prayers

It's funny, how God works. I haven't received a paycheck in about two months, and it was looking like a long battle with the insurance company. We're behind a month and a half on rent. Last Thursday, the orthopedic surgeon ordered MRI's and put me on TTD (temp. total disability) until the MRI is taken. Today, Tuesday, someone from the corporate office called me, and told me they had some light duty work for me if I wanted it. Of course, I said I wanted to work. The young lady told me she would have to clear it with her boss, and would get back to me tomorrow. Ten minutes later, she called and asked me if I could be at work at nine tomorrow morning. Thank you, God.

Done with the report at last!

I finally finished my report that's due at tomorrow night's class. Once I buckled down and got to it, it took less than an hour to do the actual research. Another hour to transfer it to an Inspection Report form, and Viola!! Done. It's just that easy. Maybe it's time for Procrastination Man to hang up his cape and retire....

A new week

And a busy one! I have a follow up appointment with one of my doctors first thing this morning, which I am going to go to. That may no sound like a big deal to you; it is for me! It's just one more of the things that "normal", responsible people do, but I never used to. Today, I know that while I'm not responsible for my disease, now that I am armed with the knowledge of what I have to do to arrest it, I AM responsible for my recovery.

Feeling somewhat human again

You know, as I sit here, cooking breakfast, watching the rain fall and listening to country music, I begin to realize that I stopped doing things like this when in active addiction. I really hate using that word, addict or addiction, when referring to myself. So, I have to do it a lot! I used to cook, a lot, all the time. Then for a time, I didn't cook anything. (Well, besides methamphetamine!) I really enjoy it. So, I guess I'm finally starting to feel like a whole person again. Funny, when I don't enjoy the simple pleasures in life, I don't realize how badly I miss them. Does that make any sense? Well, it does to me, and I guess that's what counts. I forgot for a long, long time what a neat guy I am. I have the capacity to be a very cool person, if I only let Paul out of that small, dark dungeon I've kept him in for so very long. I'm not back all the way, but I'm still back.

What does a guy have to do

To talk to his kids? It's pathetic, really. My little brother talks to my daughter on Facebook everyday. I don't know exactly when I became the bad guy, but apparently I am. I don't even think I'm going to be able to go to my daughters high school graduation. Her mother is not allowing them to talk to me. My son has to come by when he's going to the beach. Great parenting plan.

You're a hard habit to break.....

Even though I may not be in active addiction at the time, I still find my life chaotic and hectic. It's odd. I was in a much better situation financially, I paid my bills, I got to see my kids, it seems like just about everything was better in my life when I was still using. What I have to keep reminding myself is that my current situation is a result of the years and years of doing exactly what I wanted to, when I wanted to. It's hard to make myself focus on the task at hand. But, I gotta. OK on that note, on to the homework.

Homework. At least I'm researching it in advance!

I'm starting to do things when I should. Or at least, not as late as I used to!

I am trying to do all the right things these days

And I'm not even talking about drinking or using drugs. I am horrible about doing the little things, like calling to make physical therapy appointments, or keeping appointments that I make. I don't know why I am like that, but I am really trying to get better. I am now writing things on the calendar, making a to do list, etc. etc. I WILL start acting like a normal person. I guess that because I just did what I wanted to, when I wanted to for so many years, I have to get used to being responsible. I guess it's time I grew up, huh?

Irresponsibility revisited

Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!! Why is life so damn hard? I am so damn tired of being a f*ck-up. Just when it seems like we're going to be able to get on track and keep our heads above water, something happens. While it's not my fault this time, it's a by-product of my past. I finally start working again, for the first time since July 5, 2006, and I'm on the job less than 3 months before I'm back out of work because of my shoulder. As it turns out, it's not actually my shoulder this time, but my spine. Upon examining the x-rays, Dr A, the orthopedist I was sent to by my insurance carrier, exclaimed "You know, you have the neck of a 70 year old man!". How reassuring! So the next step is an MRI, which the ortho doc has to get approved by the insurance adjuster. It's a very crooked, very nasty game dealing with workers comp. The last time this happened, I was out of work approximately 5 months before I received any compensation. But, this time, I'm not going to drink and drug myself into a stupor each and every day that passes! I sometimes am struck with sudden clarity, and realize a little bit more the extent of damage my years of addiction have caused. I was at the docs office today, and thought that the receptionist looked familiar, but just dismissed it. Then, as I was being interviewed by the assistant, taking my history, she suddenly looked at my file, turned a few pages, and said "Why we saw you here in 2008 for your last injury!" Imagine how silly I felt, sitting in the room telling the woman my medical history, and it was right there in front of her, and I didn't remember that I was ever there. And to make matters worse, I wasn't just there once, I saw them for a couple of months, probably went to the office 20-30 times. Well, as I am trying to learn, I cannot live in the past. I cannot do anything about it, so I don't need to bitch and whine about it. I'm just sayin'. And as I am starting to ramble, I shall close now.

Ahhhh, the joys of being irresponsible for years and years!

You know, I own everything I've ever done. Yes, there's been lots of things I have done wrong, or not done right, yada yada yada......But sometimes enough is enough. Here is a quote from yesterday's letter I received from the County of San Diego Department of Child Support Services:  In order to avoid additional legal action, the total balance due must be paid immediately. What, you may ask, is the total balance that the County of San Diego would like me to pay immediately? Why, only $159,553.62. How do they come to this astronomical, almost absurd amount? That is a great question. One that I cannot get the answer to from anyone. But, it's ok, because the County, in their infinite wisdom, is going to :

a. Suspend my drivers license
b. Suspend any State of California issued licenses, permits, credentials, and certificates
c. Inability to obtain or renew U.S. passport
d. Bank account levies
e. Wage assignment of up to 50% of disposable income. (As calculated by the same math savants that calculated that fabulous amount referred above). 

Boy, is this class booooring!

studying is so much harder when the subject is sooooo dry and boring!

Oh boy, this class is really dragging on.....It's the first class I've actually had to study for...

Ummmmm.......

I don't have another Drs. appointment until until Wednesday. I am going to tell him to either return me to full duty or no duty, one or the other. Being on a limited duty status means I do not get worker's comp. That's how they get around paying you. So, instead of being wishy washy, beind afraid of hurting somebody's feelings, I am going to go in there and be assertive. It only took me 39 years to realize that! ;^)

7am and we are @ an AA meeting. I like to start my day off right!