I may be going about it the wrong way...

...but it's the only way I know how. I sure hope I can keep my bills paid.

Time to walk the dog!

You know, as I read other blogs that I follow, I realize more and more that I need to quit bitching about my life so much! I'm alive, My rent is paid, the lights are on, I'm not going to go hungry, (today at least!), and as soon as I walk my dog on the beach, we're going to church!! Life isn't great, but it's ok.

Watching a NatGeo Drugs Inc. special called Drugs Inc. about meth. Brings back bad memories about my last year at home. If only I can remember that...

Living in the past

Won't do me any good. I was looking at a friends pictures on FB and thinking, if I had stayed in the military, I could be retired. If I hadn't spent 40,000.00 a month, I'd still have plenty of money. If I hadn't worked a hundred hours a week, doing the hardest work imaginable, my back might still have some miles left on it. But then, I think, you know what, none of that happened, or did happen, whichever the case may be, and I just gotta get over it. If I can just learn to get past the past, it might not be too late for me to do at least some of the stuff I shoulda done in this life....

trying to get my head right

Okay, I walked with Jessi and Zoe halfway to school, then walked home through the estuary with Brindy. I walked very slowly, and made a concerted effort to talk to God, then listen to my surroundings. The wind was blowing, leaves rustling in the trees, cottontails were running out of the bushes. I tried to get serene to start my day. We will see how it works out!!

Bed time

It's still early, but we live in such a small place, it's good to turn the lights out so the rug rat can sleep. And I was up for HOURS last night, from 12:00 to about 1:00, then from 1:40 to about 5ish or so. Sleep good, insomnia bad! So, that is all for this day.

Life is exasperating.

At times, I almost feel like it's too much. Now, I don't mean I'm gonna end it all, or go postal or anything like that, I just don't know why it has to be sooooooooo freaking hard to do anything in my life. I need to make a living, support my family, pay my child support, rent, insurance, Slurpees, you know. But no, I'm still on disability. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that at least I have that, that the $200,000.00 surgery I just had was paid for, but I don't know. I just see everyone around me getting ahead, and here I am at 40, with less than ever. I just gotta keep in mind that a lot of this is the consequences of the way I've lived my life in the past. That doesn't mean I gotta like it!

I'm going to bed now,

I'm just super bored and antsy. I need to go to sleep. I wonder if I'm going to be able to. All they need to do is put me back on some Xanax or Valium again!  That would really sweet. Maybe I'll ask at my next appt. My thoughts race around and around and around.....

To read or not to read? That is the question.

I could be reading some of the discussions for my class. I'm not really sure about how to use the website, and it's kinda worrisome. I'm supposed to participate in four discussions a week, and I'm not familiar with the program they're using at all. There's threaded discussions, and I have used ones similar to these, a long time ago on a BBS or bulletin board system, but not just like these. I will figure it out, settle down, and get my groove back....

@ the NA meeting @ the IB pier. Its late, but this is an important mtg. Its important to know it will always be here if needed. I try to support it when I can.

Bad mood, redux

You know, being in a bad mood most of the time, because of my current situation is probably indicative of a need to rectify said situation, posthaste. Coming soon, I promise. Just as soon as the current cash flow situation is resolved. Until then, deep breaths, and remember that I did this to myself. Solo por hoy, eh?

Bad mood

Yes, I am in a bad mood. We went to Zoe's elementary school for family movie night. Jessi, Zoe and I. And the whole time I'm thinking about how great it would be to have my kids, as well. I think thatI am going to let this drivve me crazy constantly dwelling on it.

There are idiots all around me. And Im the biggestw one.

Characteristics of concrete, as defined in Section 12.02 of Building Construction Illustrated, 4th ed.

AAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!! OK, I'm freaking out about my first discussion being due tonight for my online class. I always do this, even when it's something I know that I know. Settle down, Dykes. Get your head on straight, and write the damn thing!

Man, being a grown up is a BUMMER!!

So, yesterday I had to make my way to the VA hospital in La Jolla for an MRI with contrast, which means that I got a lot of dye injected into my arm, which circulated around and made it's way to my brain, which they took pictures of. Today, I have to call the SDSU College of Extended Studies and find out if I'm enrolled for the final class in my certificate program, which incidentally starts today. Then, I have to call my VA primary care doctor, because the bloodwork for the MRI showed that my kidney function is dangerously low. Then, I have to call my neurosurgeon's office, and inform them that if they aren't going to fill a prescription by Friday, then I deserve the common courtesy of a phone call informing me of that fact, why it wasn't refilled, and when it will be. THEN I need to call Medi-Cal and discuss my primary care provider choice (my Medi-Cal primary care provider, not my VA one). THEN I have to call all the doctor offices, hospitals, ambulance services, radiologists, pharmacies, you get the picture, that I owe for these hospital visits, and let them know about my Medi-Cal coverage. Then I have to discuss with a neurologist the causation of my seizures. If we determine that the surgery caused them, I have to contact my attorney and discuss that fact with him. Man, I just want to get on my skateboard and ride!!

Wrecked Chevy, kegger at a birthday party, feeling out of place...

Well, I was gonna insert some pics of my wrecked truck, but I couldn't find them. On to the real post. Went to a kids b-day party yesterday with Jessi. A mexican party. For those of you who don't know, let me tell you what that means. There's a keg of Pacifico beer involved, loud music, lots of food, all day and most of the night party. With a jump around. This was the first event I have been to since I quit drinking. And it didn't work for me, on a couple of levels. I knew no one at this party. Now, back in my drinking days, that's not a problem. Cause we all have something in common, that keg of beer. So, I felt out of place. And then there's that cold, cold keg. I do not like being around drinkers, drinking. Made me feel like I was missing out on the fun. Now, I know the drill, play the whole tape through, all the way to the end, with me in jail. Doesn't mean I don't still want a beer. Cause, damnit, I do.

Thank you.

Sept 11, 2010. Today, I want to thank SGT David Metzger, U.S. Army Green Beret, and SGT Cesar Ruiz, USMC, both killed in action in Afghanistan. I want to thank Joel Hunter, who just returned to Afghanistan to support the troops in direct action. I want to thank all the other thousands of men and women who have given their lives in foreign lands, and the ones who had their lives taken from them here in America. I only regret that I can no longer take up arms to defend my country again. I may not be able to fight anymore, but you can damn well believe that I will remember to the day I die the reason I fought while I could.

Damn, a good phlebotomist makes all the difference in the world! Now, if only the neurologist is as good...

Damn, you want to talk about humbling, take public transit. Lord, please take these seizures away so I can drive!

No driving for Pauly!

So, since I have begun having seizures, the DMV has suspended my license. I forwarded the info to my SSDI attorney, in hopes that this new twist will get my case heard before next year!! We'll see...

Hello, epilepsy!!

Well,  I went to the neurologist today. She merrily informed me that she is duty-bound to report my recent seizures to the California DMV, who will immediately suspend my driving privileges in the Great State of California for a period of not less than six months. Great. She also ordered more tests. Now, let's compound my problems, shall we? We have been receiving MediCal medical coverage, which was great. However, last month for some reason, they discontinued our coverage, so now I'm incurring medical debt at an amazing rate. Top it all off with anti-seizure medicine that makes me dizzy any time I stand up or sit down, and I just have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. Jessi, God bless her, has been doing her best to take care of me, but it's fast becoming a full time job....God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.