Blah! Revisited...

Man, I'm so ready to get the heck out of the house and do something. Everyone else I know who has had this surgery didn't have all these problems. Of course, I did have multilevel surgery, and I do have more diseased discs, but I' getting impatient....Lord, give me some patience, PLEASE!!

Maybe surgery wasn't such a good idea....

So I had a horrible night last night. didn't sleep a wink. My left shoulder hurts, and although the pain radiating down my left arm has went away, my fingers are still numb, but it's a different kind of numb. Not to mention my neck is now still killing me. I realize it has only been a week, but I sure hope this gets better....

Day 4

After the surgery, and my shoulder still hurts. I was feeling no pain for the past few days, until I realized I was taking too much Percocet. Upon scaling back to the recommended dosage, I am displeased to find that none of my symptoms has evaporated. Give it time, the learned surgeon says. Doesn't he realize that I don't like to wait? Doesn't he know who I think I am? Suffice it to say that I am fast learning that I am human, after all. After all these years of thinking I was invincible, a harsh slap in the face. Ah well, I live and I learn, I suppose.....

Dog Days of Summer

That's the name of our church's little doggie playdate group. We're going to meet a bunch of other dog owners from our church at a dog park this morning, ought to be really fun. Then, Tauna's AA birthday party, then our bonfire meeting's annual picnic, busy, busy day. All recovery or church related. Then tomorrow, I'm getting baptised again, our church is having a party down here at the beach, with beach baptisms. Just wanna hedge my bets before this surgery on Monday! Not really, but the timing was very convenient for me! So, it's going to be a full weekend, which is good. I need something to take my mind off surgery!

Pre-Op

We went out to Scripps La Jolla Hospital today, and I did my pre-op stuff, which consisted of an EKG, some bloodwork and plenty of paperwork. They are very, very impressive out there. I guess they should be, since it's in La Jolla. It made me feel a little better about the procedure, but I'm still very nervous. But, there's nothing to do but get on with it. It's bedtime now, and I need to get Zoe to bed. I'm taking her to summer camp tomorrow since Jess is busy first thing in the morning. It still bothers me that I can take a seven year old to camp, but can't see my own kids. But hopefully all that's changing very, very soon. I've been working on some things with my child custody lawyer, and it's almost time to go back to court. I'm hoping with the new judge on the case, and my drastic lifestyle changes, things will go a little better this time around. I have been praying ceaselessly about it, and have my church on it as well. We'll see.

I wonder if anyone reads this

I would like to think that I don't care, that I do it for me. And I do, but my pride wants me to have lots of followers. I'm working on it, but it's slow going. I want to be a good Christian, and am beginning to surround myself with like-minded men. I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I'm never going to be able to enjoy a Bud Light again. It's very, very difficult for me. You wouldn't think that it would be. If I was to document say ten percent of my escapades, you would think me a great writer of fiction. But trust and believe, it's all Gospel truth. And once again, my ego rears it's ugly head. I shouldn't want to brag about my misadventures. I have hurt a great many people, and done much that I'm not proud of. I have also done much good, and done things that 99 percent of the general population will never dream of doing, if even they had the opportunity. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I am going in for some pre-op tomorrow, and I am terrified. Mortified. Scared as hell. I put on a nonchalant front, but this is new territory for me, and I have an irrational fear of the unknown. I am trying to bolster myself. It would be so much easier to do this at home. Jessi is supporting me, and is there for me, but there's nothing like having your family around you in stressful times. I am even going so far as to get baptized the day before my surgery. I like to tell people I'm hedging my bets, just in case. It's not true, of course. The timing just happened to work out that way. I suppose I should see it as further evidence of God at work in my life....never hurts to have a little celestial insurance, either way! And now, I'm going to go list out ways that my life has became unmanageable, and how my drinking has affected my life. Step work, it's called in the program. So, here goes.....

Mom, you were right

About some stuff, anyways! Hehehehe. Like running out of titles for posts. I have sooooo much to blog, and for a long time was hesitant to come clean, because of certain people who might or might not read it. So, in the interest of my new lifestyle, I am going to be brutally honest from here on out. I am getting dangerously close to graduating from Drug Court. The entire time I've been down for this crime, I've been faking recovery, all the while planning to go back to doing what I do the day I'm off probation. I've been a dope fiend for more than half my life. I'm good at it. I like it. You'll never understand the insidious, sensuous appeal of getting high whenever I want. The prestige, if you will, of being a drug dealer. A vitally successful dealer. It's impossible to explain to an outsider. Money, women, unlimited drugs, popularity, a round the clock party lifestyle. I've often bragged that my life would kill three of the average men. And that's true. However, what that doesn't say is that I have hurt so many people, all of the people who love me, and, sorry Mom, but most importantly my kids. So, having said all of the above, I'm finally trying to do the right thing. I want, no, need, to make things right with everyone I've hurt, and that's a long and illustrious list. So, let's just say, welcome to the New Paul. Stay tuned, folks. It's just starting to get interesting........

Homesick

Sometimes, I miss home worse than other times. I miss all the people and places where I grew up. I remember going to the clay pits 4-wheeling!! You know what I mean?

Life is frustrating

A lot of the time for me. We moved to an even smaller apartment, we have no money, my disability check covers the rent, and that's about it. So what did Jess get? A cat. Just what we needed. Now, Brindy barks at the cat, and of course it's her fault, she's a bad dog, etc. The cat has sh*t on our bed twice since arriving last night. But, it makes J happy, and that's what's important. I wish I had her life. Gets her kid half the time, works about 4 days a month, just living the dream. Oh well, that's enough bitterness out of me. Now I have to go do a tenth step for this f*cking post. I just LOVE my life.

Start the day off right.....

By walking  your dog on the beach!! That's what  I do these days. How about you?

Another day down

Yet another day that I did not  accomplish a dang thing. I am sooooooo sick of being broke-down. My lower back has been hurting lately, a lot more than my c-spine, which is what I'm having surgery on this month. I sure hope I don't have to have another surgery on my lumbar spine, but it's pretty bad right now. My biggest fear is not being able to go back to doing all the things I used to do. Right now, skateboarding, surfing, bicycling, walking the dog a long ways, hiking, etc. are out of the question. So, I just lay around the house and sleep all day. Blah!! But, I guess I'm grateful for the fact that I have more than adequate insurance, and don't pay one cent for any of this medical care, which has ran into the hundreds of thousands of dollars! Many people have been bankrupted by medical expenses, and I take them for granted most of the time. So, when I lay down here in a few minutes, I'll be sure to thank God for the things I do have, and not dwell on the stuff I don't.

Nervous, revisited

Yes, I'm not too macho to admit that going under the knife scares the hell out of me. I would rather go into combat, drop into a smoking, blazing hot LZ than lay down on a table and let a 55 year old man slice open my neck and pull out some discs from my spine, then screw some titanium to my spine and zap it with electricity for 4 hours a day to stimulate bone regrowth. WooHoo!! I pray every day, but more so these days....