Been a while since I chAnged meds

and at first they helped,  but now I'm getting very antsy. constantly worrying about getting evicted.  And I want to, really want to, but some days I just cannot leave the house. STP, huh?  ok,  late

Been just over a year since my last post

And a lot has changed, and nothing has changed. I am, once again, broke. I'm single, as well. I'm not getting high, and guess what? I'm still broke. I still can't pay my bills. Any of them. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it, I keep trying to get motivated and do something, but it's like something's holding me back. I don't understand it, and I hate it. That's gonna be it for now, cause I can feel myself getting angry, and I don't wanna do that.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....

Yup, that's one definition of "insanity", as defined by the recovery community, and I seem to keep on doing just that. I'm ok today, just sick of the same ol' same ol....

Superbowl Sunday

I really don't give a damn who wins the super bowl, can't even really tell ya who's playing. It hasn't been  a great day. I did something stupid yesterday, and let a woman who has hurt me badly in the past back in my life, for about 3 hours. 3 long, horrible hours. She wanted me to go to an AA meeting with her. I was reminded of the rampant hypocracy of those people. No, I don't know how to spell hypocracy, and it rather irritates me. I don't really know what else to say, besides I am continually disappointing myself with my decisions.

It's been a loooooong time....

Since I posted on here! Almost a whole year. And while a lot has changed, a lot has stayed just the same. And that's not a good thing. I am going to try and change my perspective on things. Yeah, yeah, I know, you've heard that one before. But dang it, I'm not getting any younger. Just better looking. Let's see....when last we saw our intrepid adventurer, I was a friggin' wreck....cut to 2012, and I'm still a mess, but I'm gonna change all that as rapidly as I possibly can. I got a very stern lecture from my Pastor last week, it said basically that I've been going to the church for a couple of years, but my lifestyle doesn't reflect that. And you know what? He's exactly right. So here's what I propose to do: (listen up Momma, this one's for you...) I'm going to start living my life like a real Christian. So, we'll see how this turns out....

It's getting better, but it sure is taking a long time!!

Well, it's been a month since Jessi left me. I just realized that! She's gotten on with her life, and is fine. I am better than I was, that's for damn sure, but I'm not good. Not by a long shot. Hell, she's so involved with her program, she's got all the days mapped out for the next year. And you know what? She is sooooooo over me, I don't know what I'm doing still agonizing over her. I suppose because I love her. But, I want her to be happy, and she can't be happy with me, so it logically follows that I will be ok with the divorce. So, enough about that, let's get down to the reason I started this blog: my disease! When Jess left me, I lost it for a couple of weeks, went off the deep end. But, I survived it, and made it back to the rooms. It's very hard for me now, because I relapsed, and because Jessi still goes to most of the same meetings, and I feel like a big joke that everyone else is in on. Silly? Perhaps, but you have no idea what a wild ride the last 5 years have been. I'm going to bed. I'll try again tomorrow.

I have to do something different, or I'm going to die.

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is for me to type that title, knowing that it could be true? I have not ate, at all, today. And when I don't eat, I don't normally take my meds. I am so effed up by Jessi leaving me. I should be okay with it, she's really screwed me over in the past, and again now. She lies as smoothly as if it were Gospel dropping from her lips. She deliberately deceived me about the car, and has hidden it ever since. But, the sad fact is, that I actually love the woman. And it's killing me, literally and figuratively. I have got to figure out what I'm going to do to get past this. She tells me there's a chance for us, after she gets her precious divorce. So, that's that. Only "a chance" or "I'm not making any promises", which both mean no, I just don't want to argue right now.