Thursday, December 31, 2009
But probably not. I have been thinking about the New Year, and the one just past. I just cannot believe that another year is gone already!! Another holiday without the kids. I may never get over all this. But, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I should work on that.
One of my lifelong dreams!! Actually, it's just my blog. While publishing my last entry, I saw a link to blog2print, and I gotta say, Awesome! It's sooo easy, and such a great idea! I'm going to publish my blog, then look at what a ridiculous effort it was 20 years from now, and see how far I've come (hopefully!!). Anyhoo, just thought I'd jot that down, and recommend it to all bloggers. (Hint, hint, Mom!!)
It's here at last!! 2010 is upon us. Good Lord, I hope this year is better than the last! Actually, the last half of 2009 wasn't bad. Got sober, yada yada yada. I did not, however see my kids even once. So, bad year in that respect. But, I see nothing but clear skies in 2010. I have to believe that things are going to get better and stay better. I just have to keep reminding myself that things take time. It took me years to f*ck my life up this badly, it's going to take more than six months to straighten out. Oh yeah, 200 days clean today.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Although I can't really call it a grind. I have to work tomorrow and the 30th, then five more days off. I have Drug Court today, and I have to test, which still always makes me nervous. I will test positive for Vicodin, since I am taking it, and it should be okay because I have a prescription for it, but you never can tell with the egomaniac that runs the program. I go to every court date expecting to be taken into custody, even though I've done nothing wrong. That's pathetic, huh? But, don't take this the wrong way, I'm not bitching, I'm just telling it how it is. The surf is huge today, but my tooth really hurts and I don't think that the chill Pacific Ocean would help matters any.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Okay, it's the 27th, and thank God I had a few days off!! My horrible teeth have started hurting again. This time, one of them hurt so badly that I was forced to go to the dentist. Now, let me preface this by saying that I haven't been in about 5 years. And, I have smoked pounds of crystal meth, which deteriorates teeth at an accelerated rate. My right cheek has swollen up until I look like a chipmunk. So, I went to Western Dental, since I of course have no dental coverage. 99 bucks a month, right? Wrong. For my particular mouth, it's over $9,000.00, 40 percent of which needs to be paid up front. So I don't really know what to do about that. I got a prescription for antibiotics and painkillers, and that's where we're at today. I am sitting at home with Brindy consoling me. In fact, it's time for me to take some medicine and a nap. More later.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
I have been dreading it, actually. My whole life has been turned to mierda by my ill fated, not very well thought out bid for joint custody of my children. I now have 0 percent custody, and my lovely ex denies me even the opportunity to talk to my kids on the phone. I call every day. I leave a message every day. It is slowly bringing me into an inexorable downward spiral, affecting every facet of my already f'ed up life. So, that's why I don't like Christmas. Or Thanksgiving. Or Halloween. Or any other day of the year. Now, I know it may sound like I'm making a very big deal out of this, like any addict is wont to do with any situation. Well, I know it's my fault, and I can accept that. I cannot, however, accept not seeing my children ever again. Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Yes, it was in the pawnshop. Yes, I did get it out. Yes, it's pathetic, but it's a big deal for me. I'm watching the San Diego Chargers beat (I hope!) the Cincinnati Bengals. Haven't been home from work long. These 7 day a week workweeks are really starting to wear me down. I haven't been blogging much lately, and I'm going to fix that. It really does me good to vent, even if it's online. So, here's to a new start. Metaphorically, as well.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
You know, this may sound a little conceited, but with so many people around me telling me what a failure I am, I oftentimes lose sight of what I'm capable of. I received my American Concrete Institute Field Grade I Inspector certification in the mail just now. For as long as I have worked construction, I have wanted to be an inspector. And today, I am. Now, if I can just go out and find a job in the field! To those who know me, and support me, I want to give a heartfelt thanks. I don't think I can adequately put into words what it means to me, especially this time of year, when I am constantly barraged with reminders of how worthless I have been, to be able to accomplish one of my lifelong dreams. That's all for now.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
But not too much. Okay, I'm going to make a concerted effort to get off my pity pot and actually do something for a change. But what? Work really is crappy. I like the work, but for the first time in my life, I'm not the strongest, fastest, best worker there. My back is killing me right now. And I have no idea how to react. I don't know how to be second best. It sounds silly, but it's serious to me. So I have no idea how to go about having a normal life, it turns out. I'm kinda confused about what to do about a couple of things that are really affecting my life negatively. I have a huge hole in my heart where my kids used to be, and I can't fill it with anything but hatred and darkness. And boy, I know exactly where that takes me! So I'm confused, lonely and hurt (in more ways than one). I really hate the holidays now. Hate with a capital H-A-T-E. I wish Christmas and the holidays didn't exist, if I can't be with my kids. How's that for a little better? I guess I was kidding myself. Life sucks.