Thursday, January 28, 2010
I have all this stuff running through my head, but as soon as I hit "new post", it goes rushing out of my head like someone put a vacuum to my ear. I mean, literally. I think it went something like this, though. I am trying to study and it's pretty tough for me. I'm not used to having to actually study in order to excel. The rest of my classes have been over subject matter that I know cold. I could have taught those classes. This class, however, it on a technology that is not my forte, and it's a little challenging. It's hard to make myself read this stuff. I mean, UFC is on, there's all this interesting stuff on TV, or my personal favorite of late, daydreaming. But I really really want to get these certifications and embark on a career as a Special Inspector. So, what I am going to do now is put the computer away, and turn off the TV and concentrate for an hour. Goodnight, all.
I went to drug court today and had to deal with them. Not fun. On the way home, I was thinking about how my life is still chaos even after this long clean and sober. Nothing has changed, except possibly for the worse. I do not really know what to do, but I've decided I am going to do something, besides just bitch. Stay tuned, I'll have more to come.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
And I'm up and ready for work. Well, maybe not ready, but I'm going anyways! My Tuesday night class is gonna be tough this semester. The last few classes have been on material that I know cold. Stuff I could, and probably have, done in my sleep. But Structural Masonry, not so much. So, I'll actually have to study for a change. Something new for me!! As I grow older, and more sober, I have to face the sad fact that I'm not Superman, I can't do everything that I once could, that I in fact do not know it all. Bummer. But, I am not going to get all down in the mouth about it, I'm just going to figure out how to achieve the same high level of output I am used to having by a different method. Did that make sense? I sometimes think that I don't. I know what I want to say in my head, but it comes out kinda garbled. Anyhoo, Good Morning all, and have a great day. I'm going to!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And a couple of other astute things. I am too negative, and I know it. I went back to work today, thank God, and had a pretty good day. then had to come back to I.B. to take a drug test, which made me miss a psychiatrist appointment I made about 3 months ago, and really really needed to make. I reacted badly, as usual, and stormed out screaming my displeasure. Not one of my better moments. But, I know that it's not one of my better moments, and I'm not going to do it again. How's that for assertive and positive?
Monday, January 25, 2010
But unfortunately, I don't get paid sick days, since I am subcontracted (read: pimped out, prostituted, slave-driven, etc.). I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, which is good. This is how it starts for me. Not going to work, being constantly angry at nothing and everything, bad dreams every night. I'm really trying to be proactive, but I just could not make myself go to work this morning. I know I need to, we desperately need the money, but there was just no way it was happening. I am now going to get up, walk Brindy around I.B. for as long as I can, soak up some of this SoCal sun, see if that helps things.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I'm a horrible whiner. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how much better off I should be in life than I actually am. I have reconnected with a childhood friend recently, and they are at such a good place in life, and I swear it's not jealousy, I do not want what they have, but it just highlights to me all the opportunities that I have squandered. But, I know I can still be successful, but it's very very hard for me to stop living in the past. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I'm feel all alone, no matter how many people surround me.
There's always the right step to take, the right response to make, the right attitude to foster. But if ever we're in doubt, the impulse to forgive and to love will never be wrong.My action today may be an important example for a friend. I pray to choose my steps and words wisely.
Wow, I just read that on my FB right after my last post. So, I guess I have issues with impulse control. I just hate spiteful people. I hate the fact that my actions have put me in the position of weakness in which I currently reside.
But I just don't know what to do. At a time when everyone tells me my life should be getting better, it continues to turn to shit. I hate my life. I hate every single solitary aspect of it. I am so fucking unhappy and depressed and angry at the utter shit that my life has turned into that I want to destroy things. Anything. I just do not know how to keep on going when it gets worse by the day, no fuck that, by the fucking minute. That succinct enough for everybody?
Friday, January 15, 2010
I haven't been able to blog like I would like to, (sounds rather convoluted, doesn't it?) but I plan on starting. I had to go to court today, just a routine Drug Court hearing, but then I had a DV hearing, and it went on and on until almost 2:00 in the afternoon, so I couldn't return to work since we knock off at 2:30. I irritated me a lot more than it probably should have. I don't know why I get steaming mad over every little thing. I try diligently to work on it, but still get angry. It doesn't last long, but I often react very badly, i.e. cursing someone out or really letting them have it. Even when they have it coming, I still wish I could react with tact (I'm a poet today!). I am taking antidepressants as prescribed, and they used to help, but now I think they are ineffective. I have an appointment with the shrink on the 26th, and I think I'll ask him to modify my scripts. Maybe add Abilify to the regimen. Maybe I just need to stop acting childish, I don't know. Okay, time to walk the dog. More later, maybe.
I like waking up very early. I like the peace and solitude, I get to collect my thoughts and prepare for the day ahead. I have been very restless and discontent lately, and I'm not really sure why. Hopefully it'll pass uneventfully. Have a great day, everyone.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
So I have been sober for seven months and I can't say that I particularly like it. I hate having someone telling me what to do. Not very adult of me, I'm sure, but that's where it's at. I wish I could write all that I think to write, but unfortunately I think of it all when I'm in inopportune places, like work or an AA meeting. Ah well.
That's Led Zeppelin for all you young 'uns. I'm back working seven days a week, but that's a good thing. I'm very very busy these days, and have had absolutely no chance to blog, but I keep saying I'm gonna make time for it, cause I think it's good for me. We shall see.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
After getting home from work, Jessi came in and excitedly exclaimed that my son, Adam was here! Now, I haven't seen my son in about six months. Finally, he's coming around. It was great to see him. Maybe things will be okay, after all. That's all I want, is to see the kids and be a part of their lives.
I have lots to say, but I often don't get the chance to put it all down. I really had something to say yesterday, but wasn't able to adequately express myself. And now I'm not in the frame of mind to do it. I have the ability to be very eloquent when I want to.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
As I grow older, and since my sudden sobriety, I think more and more about all the chances I've had, and blown. It's like I can physically feel them slipping away. I know that's counterproductive, and that "working the steps" is supposed to relieve some of that, but it definitely hasn't done so yet.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Poor decisions I made in the past might still make others distrust my ability to make wise choices. My perception was clouded, and I had trouble doing what was best for me. I lacked the awareness of real danger. But now I'm learning how to make healthy and wise decisions, taking care of myself. Other people may want... me to prove myself to them, but the only person I have to prove anything to is myself.
I got this off my friend Craig's FB page. He's one of my AA friends. A very good guy. He's truly went above and beyond to help Jessi and I when we really needed it. And I gotta tell ya, all these people that owe me all these thousands of dollars were (and still are) nowhere to be found!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I think. I have been struggling lately with my life. Again, it's not being able to see my kids. It occupies my every waking moment. Every time that Zoe is here, it makes me that much more morose. Now don't get me wrong, it's not Zoe's fault I can't see the kids. She asks for them all the time. It's not Jessi's fault, either. Hell, it's not really Maria's fault. It's all mine. And I can own that today. So I guess that's improvement. I have also had a hard time getting into the whole "recovery" thing. I keep thinking to myself that I'm not going to attend meetings anymore after drug court. That I don't need them. All those people are losers who have replace drugs/alcohol with meetings. Well, so what? Better addicted to meetings than meth! It's my self centered, selfish ego that has a problem with the whole addict thing. I can admit it out loud, at a meeting, but do I really really believe it? I don't know. And I suppose that I don't know is the same as I'm not. So maybe I need to start working the steps. I'm on my second sponsor, my first decided that with my connections, I'd be a good drug dealer for him, so he had to go. Yeah, he's in jail now. My new sponsor, Pete, a retired Navy diver, is good as gold, a great guy that I can relate to. He's just not really into leading me through the steps. I think maybe I'm his first sponsee. I've been thinking lately that I need a new sponsor. So stay tuned, the drama continues!!