Monday, April 19, 2010
Hey Jealousy....
The Gin Blossoms sing a song by that name, and it's always been kinda like a closet favorite of mine, the lyrics are right on. I think that some of my loneliness is actually jealousy over some of her new situations. No rent, a car to use, somewhere to live where I have no access, she's go a full social calendar now, and I get stuck with a shitty apartment and all the bills, which I definately cannot pay. I wish I could be a freewheeling social butterfly whose every need is taken care of by someone else. I don't get to see my kids when I want, I have to deal with all the court bullshit that I do, I could increase the list ad infinitum. It's just not fair. But hey, what is?
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Are you allowed to leave the state? Can you go to where your families are? Would that be better or worse for you?
ReplyDeleteokay, since J is now reading this blog, I need to explain some things. I'm not trying to make her look like the bad guy. This blog isn't about her, it was originally going to be about my trials and travails with the sobriety game, which isn't really a game at all. For the addict like myself, it's a matter of life or death. I am just so torn when she moves out, like she's done again. I can tell by the rapid change in attitude towards me, that she's over it. She's got a place to live rent free, with a car she can use whenever she pleases, as long as she picks up these two kids from school a couple days a week. Well, now, every time I want to see her and try and work out our marriage, she's too busy. And, of course, I'm not allowed over at this house she lives in, I don't know the phone number, etc. etc. So, she's free to come and go as she pleases and not mention a word of it to me. I don't know what's really going on over there. And that's by design, whether it's admitted or not. I love her, but I can feel the disdain in her voice when and if she answers her cell phone when I call, like I'm bothering her. I paid for a campsite for her and I for last weekend, a little getaway to try and work things out. Yes, I did get myself locked up, and it's fine if she used it anyways, but all of a sudden she's got this killer tan, she ransacked what little stuff I have left, used the camping gear, all of a sudden all out wedding pics are gone, my 35mm camera that she made a big deal about leaving here, is gone, and now she's going on an AA campout again this weekend, again without me, even though we were supposed to go as husband and wife. I cannot afford to go by myself, and besides, she's going to be in a tent with other people, not me. Now how do you think that makes me feel? like the stupid asshole sucker that I am. I love you, J, but you have really hurt me badly be flaunting your new life and new relationships everywhere that we used to go together. She'll probably use this against me, but damn it, I'm devestated.
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