Another one bites the dust!

We are a hard group of addicts to handle. I'm talking about my classmates and I at the South County Center for Change, otherwise known as Drug Court. We got a new counselor August 3rd, and he's gone already. Said he couldn't handle the pressure of dealing with 30 dopeheads of this high caliber. As I often say about many facets of (my) life: It's not for the faint of heart, nor the weak of constitution. Eddie couldn't step up to the big leagues. However, that presents problems for those of us left behind. Or at least for me. I'll just speak in I statements, since I can't really speak to how it affects anyone else. When the last counselor left, it took about 3 weeks to get a new one in place, during which time the director of the center filled in. Good idea, you say? Wrong. Horrible idea. A good idea gone horribly wrong, mutated into a nightmare of enormous proportions. Hiroshima-like aftershocks still rock the center. The man is an anal-retentive, petty, vindictive, power mad control freak on his best day, and he doesn't have too many of them. He is most effective when he's in a staff infection, oops meeting, at the corporate office, or better yet, at a seminar, preferably on another continent. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the man. It's just that he has absolutely no business handling clients on a daily basis. If there ever was a time when he was competent as a counselor, that day has long since faded into dusk. So, I sincerely hope that the search for a new counselor is conducted expediently, and initiated post-haste. That's all for this post. Stay tuned for a happy post later tonight.

MTS

SUCKS!! I have to ride public transportation now, and it is f*cking ridiculous. But it's my fault so I can't bitch too much about it. But I'm going to anyways!!

You may say I'm a Dreamer.....

But I'm the only one who has dreams like these! I have very vivid dreams. Very weird, Van Gogh-like dreams. I mean, I've always said that I dream in Technicolor. Take last night, for example. We've been watching the complete seasons of Weeds on dvd lately. So last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with the lead character, the pot dealing widowed mom from the 'burbs. Seems that she was branching out into dealing cocaine as well, and she was doing a terrible job of it, getting ripped off by all these black guys (from the show). So, this is where I enter the scene. With my copious knowledge of all things illicit, especially those having to do with the importation and distribution of Schedule I narcotics, I decided to straighten out her organization. The police were constantly trying to spy on the house, looking through windows, etc. She buys some dope from someone, and it looks terrible so I try it. It's as bad as it looks. Then all of a sudden I realize that I'm in Drug Court and I'll have to test today! Cut to a convenience store on a dead end road that looks like it's in the Sand Hills or Blountstown or somewhere rural like that. The drugs are in a file cabinet and we're sitting at the store on a bus. The cops come running onto the bus, I'm trying to file all the dope in the right envelopes, and slam the file cabinet shut. The cops search me, and then find the drugs. I convince them they're not mine, but they take me in anyways because I'm in Drug Court. At this point I woke up freaking out thinking the cops were going to come and get me any minute. There was a lot more surreal stuff to it, but I won't go into detail here. So, analyze that, it you will.

Monday

So it's Monday. Mondays aren't that bad for me, I don't have to go to Drug Court, so that's cool. Had kind of a crummy weekend, fought a lot. I've been super depressed lately. And I've been in a whole lot of pain, which certainly doesn't help matters. I have been worried about finances a lot. Thinking a lot about all the money I wasted. Yeah, I know it doesn't do any good, and it won't bring back the scrilla, but hey, I'm only human. It will be over a year until I get me certificate from SDSU in Construction Inspection Technology, December of 2010 actually, and it seems like that's SOOOOO long from now! It's not really, but right now it's so hard to make ends meet. Jessi is trying so hard, she just got a second job. She's worn out I know. I take a lot of work, I'm very high maintenance. Not like you think, I just have a hard time doing some stuff because of my myriad of health issues. And I am so down so much of the time. It pisses me off. I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy. I know what I should be doing, but lots of the time, I cannot make myself leave the house. I can't explain it. It's like if I ignore problems they'll go away. I KNOW they won't. I think maybe it's like social anxiety or something. Of course, I don't like going to appointments, so I missed my psychiatric appoint last week. On top of everything else I have to take the bus now, and it's really hard for me to get on it knowing I have to go to Mission Valley. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I gotta do something. Well, here's hoping that things get better!

Sunday afternoon, crazy thoughts

So it's Sunday, I'm just cleaning house a little bit. It's hard when you have way too much stuff for the tiny ass apartment you live in, but hey, at least we've got a place to stay, right? All day I've been thinking about things I cannot do anything about. Like all that money I spent last year. $160,000.00. I hate to even write it out, because it looks like so much, and it's gone. I could have a nice place, a house with a big chunk of mortgage paid off, my beautiful little GTi paid off and not repo'ed, oh, the list goes on and on, ad infinitum. But, that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone, right? Right! Soooooo.....on with life. It's just taking so long to accomplish anything! I've barely got my first class towards my Special Inspector certification finished, long way to go there, then there's always Drug Court, got over a year left on that, then, after all that, I have another year of Domestic Violence classes for something I didn't even do almost three years ago!! I just have to not think about all that, because it all starts running around in my head and it's like it's too much for me to handle. So, for today, I'll just think about cleaning the apartment.

Dual Diagnosis

So I started going to a dual diagnosis group today. What, you ask, is dual diagnosis? Well, of course it's co-occurring conditions! What that means in regular people talk is that I am being treated for more than one disorder, usually one being a chemical dependency issue, and the other some sort of mental defect or disorder. The group, besides being on Friday, the one day of the work week I don't have to go to drug court, was highly dysfunctional. It's to be expected; it's full of thwacked out crazies. The counselor is very good, and really cares about helping everyone in the group, but there were a few disgruntled customers, to put it mildly. As I sat there, listening to first one then another of my peers bitch about having to go to the group, I thought to myself, That's what I used to sound like! And still do at times, I'm sure. I mean, one girl was making such a big deal about it being half an hour longer than the "regular" Friday afternoon process group. She couldn't talk about anything except that. When asked anything, her response was to stick out her bottom lip as far as she could and say "I'm pissed off about this sh*t and I'm not participating". Now how in the heck is that helping her program? Or any of the people around her? But, I'm not here to condemn anyone else's actions today. I cooperated, kept my mouth shut if I didn't have anything constructive, and assured the facilitator afterward that it would get better, it was the first class. I can honestly say today that I am actively participating in my recovery, and that makes me feel okay. It's a step in  the right direction. I'm still not to a place where I can say that I'm happy with all this, but I'm not automatically dismissing it anymore, either. So stay tuned, it starts to get interesting from here on out.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

Really, it's more like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
I have a toothache. A really really bad one. It's been hurting at this pain level off and on since the filling came out about two weeks ago. Today, I'm going to call Western Dental and see if I can work out some sort of payment plan with them to get it fixed, because I don't do pain very well. I'm already in a lot of chronic pain everyday without having this to deal with. Okay, now that I'm done bitching, let's see.....court at nine this morning, then I have my very first Dual Diagnosis class at drug court at noon. Dual Diagnosis is for addicts who also suffer from mental disorders or defects. So, that ought to be very interesting. I'll let ya know how it went. Now, I'm off in search of a pair of Vise Grips, to remove this tooth with!!