first cousin once removed? second cousin? I'm confused!

SO, I never really understood the once removed, twice removed thing. FB has a family application, and it has a button to "define relationship" after you have confirmed a family tie. I would really like to make a family tree. I would need some assistance from someone on either side of the fams, but I'd like to do it. Sure wish Grandma's had email. That would greatly help. I'd also like to know, to preserve it for posterity. I come from a long and colorful background, that I don't know as well as I should. Let's see how well I rectify that, shall we?

comfort zone

I have a comfort zone that is pretty much the little beach town that I live in. I never leave it, except for the one night a week I go to SDSU. Weird, for me. I am a world traveler. I have worked in a few countries. By a few, I mean more than 2 or 3. I'm not afraid to get on a plane and go with no set destination and no job awaiting me when I get there. But since I've been clean, I've pretty much stayed here. In fact, it's mostly in the apartment where I spend the majority of my time. Yes, a lot of it has to do with being so broke, but a lot of it is this crippling anxiety I suffer from. I think it's like social anxiety or something. I don't like to deal with things. Even things I know I should deal with or do, I won't. I don't return calls, I don't answer the phone a lot of the time. I can't explain it, it just happens. I'm not really happy about it. I want to ask my shrink, but I missed my last two appointments. You see my predicament. I have an appointment here in I.B. on Monday, hopefully that will alleviate at least one of my problems. We will see.

Another Saturday

Here in lovely San Diego. I have been struggling with my identity of late. No, not like that. I have tons of ID. I mean about who I am, who people perceive me as. I like being in recovery, but still in the back of my head think of it as a stigma, somehow it makes me less than other people. A few problems with that. One, I know that I'm a way better person today, not having to worry about the authorities, or hiding it from the kids, or having to hustle to pay for that last front, any of that. Today, I can concentrate on being the best person I can be. And I can remember a time when I was a pretty good dude. I guess I don't want to be a "square", I don't know. I just know that I'm confused and maybe a little overwhelmed. I want to not want to get loaded anymore, but that just hasn't happened yet. Hopefully it will sooner or later. I want to be secure in myself image in recovery, but that hasn't quite happened yet, either. But, I was a doper for a lot of years, and I need to keep reminding myself that it won't happen overnight. Until next time, PEACE!

Wonders never cease!

And I'm living proof! So, I go to group on Wednesday, and the program director, whom we all know isn't my bestest buddy, calls me in the office. Well, normally this means you're GOING TO JAIL. But, not today. Today, he's got some paperwork from the court. I had asked the treatment team to address some traffic infractions that I had received over the course of the last few years, and which had recently been the cause of my license suspension. The judge has the authority to make all that go away, if he so desires. It all pretty much depends on how you as an individual are doing in the program. Well, I'm happy to report that I am doing very well now, so much so that all fines, penalties and civil assessments have been stayed, pending successful completion of Drug Court. I didn't have to pay one cent to reinstate my driving privileges. ( I just spent 5 minutes spelling "privileges" about ten different ways because it didn't look right. I'm getting stupid in my old age. Or maybe I'm just burnt out.) So I have a drivers license again. If I only had 250 bucks to pay my registration, I could drive again. But, I'm going make something happen. Maybe even something that's not against the law!! 

Getting better

Now, I'm not going to say that life is getting better in a hurry, but finally, at long last, it's starting to move forward. I have a new counselor in Drug Court, the one I wanted, and it makes all the difference. She is very cool, and makes none of the unreasonable demands that the other person did. So I'm very happy about that. And yesterday when I went to group, they handed me some paperwork from the court, saying that all my outstanding traffic cases (of which there were a few) have been stayed pending completion of Drug Court. If I successfully complete the program, they will just go away, like they never happened. Awesome! So, things are starting to come together. There might be a light at the end of the tunnel, after all.

4:28 am

Is when Brindy thought that we should go for our first walk this morning. We just went for another one, walked Jessi to the bus stop (it's across the street, it wasn't a very long walk). It's early, it's cool, the Pacific Ocean is crashing on the beach right behind me, things are okay today. So far. I haven't had much time to screw things up yet, but the day is young! I'm leaving for the 7:00 am AA meeting in a few minutes, so it's time to check my FB. See ya later!

Do you miss me when I'm gone?

 I hope so! Well, it's been a few days since my last entry, and some things have happened. My little brother was taken to the hospital with heart attack like symptoms, had quite a scare according to all accounts. Turns out he has a very long winded genetic condition known as  Supraventricular Tachycardia. Has to do with an irregular heart rate, I believe. Anyways, I found out the next day from my Mom via Facebook. Wonderful site, Facebook. I love it. Keeps me in touch with many many people that I otherwise wouldn't ever get a chance to talk to. I live quite a ways away from my family, by choice. However, now that I am sober, I find myself wanting to be closer to my family. At least to make a trip home to see everyone, and introduce my wife to her new family. I don't really know where that bit came from, I guess thinking about my brother and mortality. But, I'm cool here in San Diego, for now. I moved out here to be closer to my kids, and had a great couple of years with them until I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to contest custody, and lost all custody of them. I'm not okay talking about that, at all. I think that I would be a better parent than no parent, which is basically what they have now. But that's all I'll say on that. I'm really trying to just look at my part in situations, and leave the other person to their own devices. Clean up my side of the street, as it were. Update on a situation from last week: we still don't have a new counselor at Drug Court, and yes, the program manager has decided once again to become way too involved in the day to day affairs of our group, but I'm not having quite as hard a time with him as I envisioned. He even told me today that he could see the difference in me, and said that someone in court last week said the same thing. Like one of the bailiffs, or somebody. So, I'm going to remain cautiously optimistic about that. More as the story unfolds!