Been a while since I chAnged meds

and at first they helped,  but now I'm getting very antsy. constantly worrying about getting evicted.  And I want to, really want to, but some days I just cannot leave the house. STP, huh?  ok,  late

Been just over a year since my last post

And a lot has changed, and nothing has changed. I am, once again, broke. I'm single, as well. I'm not getting high, and guess what? I'm still broke. I still can't pay my bills. Any of them. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it, I keep trying to get motivated and do something, but it's like something's holding me back. I don't understand it, and I hate it. That's gonna be it for now, cause I can feel myself getting angry, and I don't wanna do that.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....

Yup, that's one definition of "insanity", as defined by the recovery community, and I seem to keep on doing just that. I'm ok today, just sick of the same ol' same ol....

Superbowl Sunday

I really don't give a damn who wins the super bowl, can't even really tell ya who's playing. It hasn't been  a great day. I did something stupid yesterday, and let a woman who has hurt me badly in the past back in my life, for about 3 hours. 3 long, horrible hours. She wanted me to go to an AA meeting with her. I was reminded of the rampant hypocracy of those people. No, I don't know how to spell hypocracy, and it rather irritates me. I don't really know what else to say, besides I am continually disappointing myself with my decisions.

It's been a loooooong time....

Since I posted on here! Almost a whole year. And while a lot has changed, a lot has stayed just the same. And that's not a good thing. I am going to try and change my perspective on things. Yeah, yeah, I know, you've heard that one before. But dang it, I'm not getting any younger. Just better looking. Let's see....when last we saw our intrepid adventurer, I was a friggin' wreck....cut to 2012, and I'm still a mess, but I'm gonna change all that as rapidly as I possibly can. I got a very stern lecture from my Pastor last week, it said basically that I've been going to the church for a couple of years, but my lifestyle doesn't reflect that. And you know what? He's exactly right. So here's what I propose to do: (listen up Momma, this one's for you...) I'm going to start living my life like a real Christian. So, we'll see how this turns out....

It's getting better, but it sure is taking a long time!!

Well, it's been a month since Jessi left me. I just realized that! She's gotten on with her life, and is fine. I am better than I was, that's for damn sure, but I'm not good. Not by a long shot. Hell, she's so involved with her program, she's got all the days mapped out for the next year. And you know what? She is sooooooo over me, I don't know what I'm doing still agonizing over her. I suppose because I love her. But, I want her to be happy, and she can't be happy with me, so it logically follows that I will be ok with the divorce. So, enough about that, let's get down to the reason I started this blog: my disease! When Jess left me, I lost it for a couple of weeks, went off the deep end. But, I survived it, and made it back to the rooms. It's very hard for me now, because I relapsed, and because Jessi still goes to most of the same meetings, and I feel like a big joke that everyone else is in on. Silly? Perhaps, but you have no idea what a wild ride the last 5 years have been. I'm going to bed. I'll try again tomorrow.

I have to do something different, or I'm going to die.

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is for me to type that title, knowing that it could be true? I have not ate, at all, today. And when I don't eat, I don't normally take my meds. I am so effed up by Jessi leaving me. I should be okay with it, she's really screwed me over in the past, and again now. She lies as smoothly as if it were Gospel dropping from her lips. She deliberately deceived me about the car, and has hidden it ever since. But, the sad fact is, that I actually love the woman. And it's killing me, literally and figuratively. I have got to figure out what I'm going to do to get past this. She tells me there's a chance for us, after she gets her precious divorce. So, that's that. Only "a chance" or "I'm not making any promises", which both mean no, I just don't want to argue right now.

Oh man, it's taking me a while to get over her....

I am having a hard time with this. I can't sleep, can't eat, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was heartbroken....I went to the beach a lot today. Took Brindy a bunch, she's very very depressed, and I have no idea what to do about it. Jessica gave me a ride to DV class today, and I asked her to see Brindy for a minute, but she wouldn't. It just seems like she enjoys my pain. I just don't get it.

It hurts, but at least the pain is familiar.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, I DO NOT  want to be divorced!! I love my wife, and want to stay married. But if she stays in hiding until the divorce goes through, what can I do? All  I can do is pray, stay sober, and see what happens. I'll keep ya posted.

This sucks. I hate my lonley life. I really do not like being by myself.

Ah, ain't love grand?!

Have I got a story for you. More later.

Payday

Well, I get paid today. I have to pay the rest of the rent, since my last check didn't cover the entire rent. I will be soooooo happy when I can go back to work. If I had a dual income family, it might be ok. But, I do not, so I'm praying to God that somehow the bills will get paid. We'll see how it all pans out.

So I make comments that some would consider inappropriate

So what? As of today, I am not letting what others think affect what I do. And yes, Mom, a lot of times I hold my tongue (I know, that seems impossible!) for fear of what others may think about what I have to say. No longer. This AA meeting I used to go to is filled with hypocrites that I used to let influence my decisions. I do not attend that meeting anymore, but my wife does. These people are all miserable. They attempt to feel better about themselves by denigrating others, usually people who believe they don't need the fellowship of losers to make it through life. These same people that my wife thinks are so great really aren't. Almost to a man they do the following: lie about some disability or another in order to get a check from the government, so they can sit around ALL DAY, even when not at a meeting, and talk about other people, and oftentimes members of their group, usually whoever isn't present to defend themselves. A lot of these same thieves then go to work for other thieves in their group, without paying taxes, and go on collecting disability or unemployment, and on top of that, then get welfare. And these are the people handing out advice on how to live! I've put up with it for as long as I can stand it. I let it be known just now on social media (which all of them are on, all day), that if they continue to meddle in my affairs, I was going to notify the authorities. Which, as a good citizen, I should do anyways. So that's how my Monday started, how's yours?

just some random little rants

What I once thought were aspirations of greatness,
I now realize were merely delusions of grandeur.

Lately the weather has been so bipolar -

 - and consequently so am I...lyrics to a song by a band called Relient K. Christian band, but still good, poppy punk nonetheless. And describes perfectly how I'm feeling. I think my mood is affected by the weather. It's been pretty crappy here lately....but I think I'm coming out of it now...

My life today

My life today is worse than it's ever been. I would SO much rather be drinking and getting high, and still seeing my kids. The irony of my situation would be hilarious, if it wasn't my life in question. I have recourses, of course. I have an attorney for child support and custody, I just need to go see him. A lot of times, I cannot bring myself to leave the house. It seems to me like the size of the tasks facing me is just too great for me to see a starting point. I know that living in the past is counterproductive. I know that I need to get on with life, but it just isn't that easy for me. I have an unsupportive spouse. I know that she'll read this, and silently use it to continue isolating herself from me, and that's fine. I wish I had the courage to divorce her. Don't get me wrong, she does a lot of things for me. She tries. But when it comes to children, hers is the only one that counts. It's fine with her that my kids never come over, or that I never see them, and that's not fine with me. I'll end this rant with this: My life today isn't worth doing. This isn't a suicide note, or anything like that, but I'm leaning towards returning to life as I know how to live it. At least when I live life on my terms, and don't apologize to anyone for how I live, I can function effectively in society. So, I'm going to think long and hard about what to do, but unless something drastic changes, Paul will go back into that useless hole that he crawled out of, and Pauly will return. I was actually at a point in my life where things were ok with me before drug court and all this "recovery" bullshit. I'm through with it. And you know what? I'm not sorry, so I won't apologize. Anyone who wants me to be someone I'm not can just deal with it. Hell, I'm not a part of my family, really. So that part's taken care of. I feel adrift, with no friends, no one on my side anymore. Thank God the holidays are over. It really makes me sick thinking of having to face all these happy people every damn day for like a month. Guess what, people? I'm not happy. I don't even know what happy feels like. I'll take just being functional again, because I'm not right now. My life is a sham. I barely make enough on disability to keep a roof over our heads, and it's not a home, it's just a slum. I hate living somewhere that I'm embarassed to bring my Mom to. Or anyone else for that matter. So, I'm going to get off this thing, and go walk my dog on the beach. That's the one thing I'm sure of: at least the dog cares how I'm doing when I wake up in the morning. Things are going to change, one way or the other. Because anything's better than feeling the shame and doubt I feel now, especially where my kids are concerned. My daughter, she's 18. She could see me whenever she wanted to. She's down here at the beach almost 3 city blocks from my place all the time. But I never hear from them anymore. My fault? Sure. But the thing is, I don't know how to approach her, much less my son. I don't know. I do know that I'm not happy. I'm not pissed off anymore, not now at least, but I'm damn sure not happy. And I just refuse to think that God wants me to have such a horrible life. I hope not, anyways.

VA Benefits More Readily Accessible to Gulf War Vets

VA Benefits More Readily Accessible to Gulf War Vets

I really like this blog, lots of stuff I can use!

NYE 2011

And I'm pretty sure we are just going to sit around the hose, be in bed by ten or something. Blah!! Maybe something will shake out,  who knows?

@ an AA meethng. Havent been to many lately. Not really feeling them these days.

I hate the effin' holidays

I was happier when they were the "holidaze". I'm just saying. I HATE the holidays. Just more to remind me what a complete and utter failure I have become. Ironically, it's the one thing I'm good at, apparently. So, I hope all of you have a great New Years. For me, it's just another year that my life got worse. Gee, can't wait to see what 2011's got in store for me!!