I really hate

being poor!! The morning meditation for AA was about humility. It went something like this: The very act of humbling ourselves brings us closer to the sunlight of the spirit. Well, let me tell you, for the vast, overwhelming part of my life, I've been the diametrical opposite of humble. Last year, when I got a pretty big check, you couldn't tell me ANYTHING!! I knew it all, and was happy to tell you. I traipsed all over Southern California in a drugged out haze, thinking I was the smartest person on the planet. In approximately four months, after spending $160,000.00 USD, I was broke. I had no job, a bad back, a drug program of 18 months staring at me instead of the 9 month one that I blew off. This is how bad I was: I called the Prop. 36 program manager from a casino floor, where I was sitting at a slot machine I had just won about 7,000.00 on. I told her "You hear that? That's a winning jackpot. That's more money than you make in four months. I'm going to spend it on Budlight, ecstasy, and speed tonight. I'm quitting your program. Tell the judge I'm in Vegas, come and find me." Yeah. Meet Paul, the smartest idiot in the hemisphere. Well, today, I'm in a much more stringent Drug Court program, my car I was so proud of has been repo'ed, my truck is sitting in the driveway with expired tags I can't afford to update, I still can't work in my lifelong trade, and never will because of an injury, and I don't know how we're gonna pay last month's rent, to say nothing of this months. But, hey, I'm sober. Maybe that counts for something, I'm just not sure yet. And on that note, I think I'll go take the city bus to court ordered class now. Oh, how the mighty (stupid) have fallen!!

aun aprendo

Is from a sign around a scarecrow's neck in a Goya painting. It means I'm still learning. I think that's my new motto. Just thought it was cool when I read it in an biography of Aldous Huxley, one of my literary heros. OK, I'm out for a while.

Wednesday

And I'm feeling okay today. My new SSDI attorney told me that since I'm so young, that Social Security will probably deny my claim one more time before they approve it. Kinda disheartening, since I really am hurt, I got hurt doing a good thing, and my back hurts all the time. But, what can ya do? At least they're paying for me to go back to school. I'm trying something new these days, trying to look at the positive side of situations, too. What a concept, huh?

Labor Day

Is just another day when you're broke and don't really have any say on anything at all in this world. No say about my kids, no say about my marriage, no say about my own life. Woo hoo! I just love my life these days!! Yeah, I gotta say, life's soooooooooo much better than it was a year ago. Not.

Saturday, I don't love you.

I find myself not liking weekends very much anymore. One reason is that we have no money, and can't really do much. But I think that I don't really like the fact that I cannot use any mind altering substances, and the weekend is when I did most of my psychedelic explorations. I really liked drugs like MDMA (ecstasy), that made my thinking a little.....more open I guess. I think a lot, I like to write, I like to go outdoors and explore, go to museums, etc. I liked to to these things high, and now that I'm not doing any of that any more, I guess I feel like I'm not having fun. I don't know, I just know that it seems like my life has gotten worse since I quit. Hopefully I won't feel like this forever.

On the 933 line

Today, I am going to embark on a new adventure. I'm riding the city bus! Adventure? you say? Hardly! Well, I have never taken the San Diego City bus before, so it should be interesting. We aren't getting evicted quite yet, so that's good, but my vehicle registration expired on my birthday, which was two days ago. So, since I qualify for a disabled bus pass, which is $18.00/month, I am purchasing one today. Voc Rehab, which pays for my school, also pays for a bus pass, so it's effectively free for me. Pretty stupid for putting all that money in the gas tank of the truck, honestly. We average $60.00/week in gas, so it's a considerable savings. I hired an attorney yesterday for my SSDI claim, I don't know why I didn't get one before I initially filed. You'd think that I'd know by now, you cannot navigate these beaurocratic mazes without an attorney. Hopefully, he can make something happen for me. Well, I'm off for the bus stop. Wish me luck!

Today's the day

Well, it's the first. We don't have rent money. So, this might well be my last post for a while, depending on how it goes with the landlord. Boy, this sobriety sure has made my life easier! (insert sarcasm here)