Plaigarism

I'm not at all sure if that's spelled right or not. I read a few blogs on sobriety, and read something I liked it one this morning. It went like this:  

"Embracing change has never been my strong suit, but I am doing my best to float down this stream and resist the urge to grab hold of a hanging branch or log. Floating without clutching to fear. Floating instead, with my eyes on the beautiful scenery."

What an enlightened way to describe it. Of course this person has a counter on their page, and they are at 68oo days and some change, whereas I am at a whopping 105 days of continuous sobriety. So they naturally should a more thorough grasp of the program. To be honest, I haven't really let go completely. Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I toy with the idea that, when Drug Court is done, I'll be able to go back to doing my thing. But not often, and I see it for what it is: bullshit.  It's a cliche, but it's true: my best thinking got me right here in these dire straights that I'm in. It's ludicrous (the idea, not the rapper) to think that I can start drinking or getting high again and have any kind of success in life. At least today, I'm able to call it what it is out loud, and not just in the bathroom talking to that asshole in the mirror. So, I'm going to call it growth, albeit SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW growth. 

Thanks, Mom

Well, those of you who know, know that we've been having monetary issues, to say the least. I am very happy and proud to say that Mom and Russell have stepped up and helped us with our rent. I know it's my mom, but I really think that I'm growing some spiritually. I have been making a concerted effort to "let go and let God", and so far it's working. Went down to the wire on this rent thing, and it's not self-sufficiency, but it's a start. I have always worried that if I just trust in the Lord to solve my problems, that nothing would get done. That's one of my biggest problems, is this overwhelming, crushing sense of anxiety that accompanies nearly everything I do. I tell my psychiatrist, and all he does is up  the dosage of one of the antidepressants I take. I really don't think that's a solution. All my life I've depended on one chemical or another, (often a smorgasbord) and I want to get over that. But, I'm going to try and put another principle into action, and that's taking things one step at a time. That's all for now, I think my farm needs tending. (My Farmville farm, that is!)