My life today

My life today is worse than it's ever been. I would SO much rather be drinking and getting high, and still seeing my kids. The irony of my situation would be hilarious, if it wasn't my life in question. I have recourses, of course. I have an attorney for child support and custody, I just need to go see him. A lot of times, I cannot bring myself to leave the house. It seems to me like the size of the tasks facing me is just too great for me to see a starting point. I know that living in the past is counterproductive. I know that I need to get on with life, but it just isn't that easy for me. I have an unsupportive spouse. I know that she'll read this, and silently use it to continue isolating herself from me, and that's fine. I wish I had the courage to divorce her. Don't get me wrong, she does a lot of things for me. She tries. But when it comes to children, hers is the only one that counts. It's fine with her that my kids never come over, or that I never see them, and that's not fine with me. I'll end this rant with this: My life today isn't worth doing. This isn't a suicide note, or anything like that, but I'm leaning towards returning to life as I know how to live it. At least when I live life on my terms, and don't apologize to anyone for how I live, I can function effectively in society. So, I'm going to think long and hard about what to do, but unless something drastic changes, Paul will go back into that useless hole that he crawled out of, and Pauly will return. I was actually at a point in my life where things were ok with me before drug court and all this "recovery" bullshit. I'm through with it. And you know what? I'm not sorry, so I won't apologize. Anyone who wants me to be someone I'm not can just deal with it. Hell, I'm not a part of my family, really. So that part's taken care of. I feel adrift, with no friends, no one on my side anymore. Thank God the holidays are over. It really makes me sick thinking of having to face all these happy people every damn day for like a month. Guess what, people? I'm not happy. I don't even know what happy feels like. I'll take just being functional again, because I'm not right now. My life is a sham. I barely make enough on disability to keep a roof over our heads, and it's not a home, it's just a slum. I hate living somewhere that I'm embarassed to bring my Mom to. Or anyone else for that matter. So, I'm going to get off this thing, and go walk my dog on the beach. That's the one thing I'm sure of: at least the dog cares how I'm doing when I wake up in the morning. Things are going to change, one way or the other. Because anything's better than feeling the shame and doubt I feel now, especially where my kids are concerned. My daughter, she's 18. She could see me whenever she wanted to. She's down here at the beach almost 3 city blocks from my place all the time. But I never hear from them anymore. My fault? Sure. But the thing is, I don't know how to approach her, much less my son. I don't know. I do know that I'm not happy. I'm not pissed off anymore, not now at least, but I'm damn sure not happy. And I just refuse to think that God wants me to have such a horrible life. I hope not, anyways.